I have been an anxious wreck lately.
Bad, I know.
I have quoted every verse about "Be anxious for nothing" and "Do not worry about tomorrow." I have prayed and prayed. And still I find myself walking through a perfectly normal day and then panicking.
Caleb and I are considering moving. Only an hour away from Lincoln - and closer to family. But I do not do change well.
Would you like to hear my history?
The first major change in my life was when my dad decided to move our family to West Africa for a year. I was 7 (old enough to know better) and threw the only meltdown screaming fit I ever remember throwing in my life.
It was pretty pathetic.
That about sums up my feelings about moving.
We moved alot when I was young. I went to a different school every year through 7th grade. Every time we moved, my dad would have everyone vote. Every time he tallied the votes, the results were same.
Seven people say, "Let's go!" and one "No way!"
When I was a sophomore in highschool, my dad had an opportunity to work at an MK school in Thailand. I freaked out. Instead of throwing a hissy fit like before, I calmly told my parents that I would not be going with them to Thailand. I'd live in the dorm at my highschool and live with my grandparents over the summers.
I meant it.
I was not going.
After trying to set me up with some 17 year missionary, motorcyle driving boy in Thailand over the phone, my dad gave up and we stayed in Nebraska.
Ok. So now that I'm almost 30 you'd think I'd have the maturity and faith to handle change calmly and rely on God for strength. And I'm fighting for it. But I seem to vacillate between panicking that the details won't work out for us to move away from Lincoln and panicking that we have to leave Lincoln in the first place.
By the way, this is where it's great to have a husband who is not an emotional wreck. He does not freak out every other minute and reminds me to imitate him. Thanks honey! =)
All this long introduction to get to the point of this story.
I went grocery shopping today.
You thought it was going to be something more interesting, huh?
Just wait a second.
I had a few things to grab, so I ran into Super Saver quick with $34 in my pocket. I really did not want to spent more than that $34. But I kept grabbing a few things here and there that were on sale. And then it was 3:00 and I was hungry, so I grabbed a snack. I got to the checkout and...guess what?....worried.
Surprising, I know.
"I should've paid closer attention to how much I was spending!" I berated myself.
The checkout dude rang everything up and the total was...
This probably seems really silly to you, but I almost cried right there.
Talk about an emotional wreck...
It was like God spoke directly to my anxious heart.
"See? Look and see what I can do. I care about your grocery money.
I care about your big decisions too.
Will you stop worrying and stressing and running and just look at me?
I can do it.
In My way and My time.
And when it's done, you will know that it was Me all along."
I'm so thankful for a God who speaks to me while I'm bagging my groceries at Super Saver. I'm in awe of his love and grace poured out on my anxious untrusting heart.