Love is scary. It's dangerous. It totally freaks me out. Anyone I let into my heart has the potential to stomp all over it. What really terrifies me is loving someone who's hurt me in the past - who has demonstrated the ability (perhaps without even knowing they're doing it) to take the love I offer, wad it up, and throw it in the trash - like I watched a guy do to a "friendly" note from a scary weird girl stalking him in highschool.
I wonder if everyone is so nervous. It might just be me. Maybe I was scarred by early "friendship" experiences. Maybe I'm just incredibly overly sensitive.
Or maybe I just don't like to be vulnerable.
I was holding my tiny, beautiful, only neice the other day thinking. Isn't it incredible that the things we love the most are also the cause of the most fear in us? That precious little girl has the ability to break hearts. I went home and held my little girl and thought, "I love this little girl too much to express. And she holds this terrible power over me. Power to destroy my heart."
We don't fear for what we don't love. The reason I fear for my kids' and huband's safety is because I love them. Fear of losing or hurting them paralyzes me at times. And fear of their reactions guides my behavior. I don't care if the stranger in the grocery store dislikes the way I'm dressed, but if my husband says I look scary, I change quickly!
Yet I John 4:18 says "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear." So if I love people perfectly I will not fear them or for them? How do I get this perfect love? Is anyone giving it out? Because it seems like love is given based on performance by most everyone. How do I give out this perfect love to my kids? Do I assume others are giving it to me, or do I panic when I do something wrong - afraid they'll withold love based on my "bad" actions?
I have more questions than answers. I started thinking about this because I read my uncle's blog. He wrote this post and several following up. He has more answers than I do, so maybe we should all go over there and try to glean some wisdom. =)