This is something I wrote one day. I decided to share it with you, too, I guess! =) Enjoy!
“The tissue is not viable,” the doctor apologized over the phone. I was standing in a hospital ultrasound room with my husband and two children. From the distressed look on the face of the young technician as she performed the ultrasound, I had expected as much. My eyes filled with tears and the thought pounded in my head, “My baby is dead.” Unchecked tears rolled down my cheeks as I walked numbly out of the hospital and rode home. My arms ached to hold my baby, I was sure a boy, who lived a short two months in my womb. He was too tiny for me to have known in any way, but I had loved him from the moment I knew he was growing inside of me. He was mine, and I wanted him. “Hold him for me, Jesus” I prayed over and over.
I struggled with God - not so much over the question, “Why?” as over the question, “How can I have faith in God’s love and goodness towards me when He tears precious things from my life?”
Seven months later, I was pregnant again. This time I was full of fear. I made it past the nine week mark and relaxed a little. I pestered the doctor to order an ultrasound, saw that everything looked ok and relaxed a little more. Every time our tiny girl kicked me and hiccupped, I relaxed a little more.
But, I wasn’t trusting God. I was trusting medical science and my own experience. I was still unsure of God. After all, I reasoned, He gives and takes away. Who’s to know what He’ll choose to do this time.
Our daughter arrived six days past her due date and perfect. I breathed a sigh of relief and thanked God for His abundant blessing. I spent hours holding her, marveling at her perfectly formed fingers and toes and her beautiful face. We named her Julia Faith . Something tickled at the back of my mind. Faith? Do I really have Faith? Faith in the God who gave this precious life to me for a time?
Ten days after her birth, I rushed Julia back to the hospital, in tears as I drove. My infant spiked a 102.9 degree fever. Her shiny eyes and the distressed way her mouth moved convinced me that something was seriously wrong. “Blessed be the name of the Lord” by Tree 63 played on the radio as I drove:
He gives and takes away
He gives and takes away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be your name!
Following that song, Mercy Me sang “God With Us” repeating,
Such a tiny offering compared to Calvary.
Nevertheless I lay it at your feet
“Can I really lay my tiny baby at the feet of Jesus not knowing whether He will choose to give or take away?” I asked myself.
At the hospital, the quick reaction of the Emergency Room doctors increased my fear. Before I knew it I was signing papers for a spinal tap. Nurses were hovering around Julia drawing blood and inserting an IV. One nurse repeatedly told me that Julia had the symptoms of meningitis and gave statistics on how quickly infants die of that disease.
I was all alone with my baby who could be dying, and Jesus gently asked, “Do you truly trust me with the things that are most precious to you?” After months of struggling, God answered me. I finally got it. Jesus loves me. He will work all things out for my good in the end. But He also wants me to trust Him fully, not knowing whether the outcome will bring heartbreak or rejoicing. After all, trust isn’t really trust if I know the outcome will bring my version of good. So there in the hospital, I gave my precious baby to Jesus to do with as He willed. My only hope and all my faith was in Him alone.
It’s not a new truth about God that no theologian has ever expressed before. I would have agreed with these truths on any day of my life - intellectually at least. But now I know it to be true in my experience, in the scary, heartbreaking moments of life. When I say Julia‘s name, I’m reminded that my faith is placed in the only One who is worthy to be relied on - my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Julia Faith is His little girl, and I now trust more fully in His love for her and me.

One of those days

We were busy yesterday - washing laundry, cleaning the house, finishing Christmas presents. I knew it was going to be a crazy day. I just didn't know how crazy. The morning was chaotic, but fairly normal. We made Christmas cookies, wrapped presents, vaccuumed the floor, washed clothes - normal stuff. I got the kids fed and down for naps and about 1:00 the doorbell rang. There was a strange man standing on my doorstep with a giant bush in a bag. I was very surprised. I can't think of a single person I know who would send me a giant bush. First of all, my husband would never send me flowers. He buys them while he's at the store sometimes, but SEND them? No way. And second, everyone knows that I kill virtually every plant I touch. So, why send me a giant bush? Well, the guys drives away in his van, and I unwrap my surprise. It's my address, but it says it's in sympathy to someone named Sarah from Allied Insurance. Nice. No one sent ME a giant bush after all. But, what exactly is a person supposed to do with a giant bush that isn't for them? I didn't know. I tried the number on the card and it was disconnected. I tried Allied Insurance, and they didn't know anything. I tried the flower place, and they didn't know either, but they sent the same guy back to pick it up. He brought me a rose for my honesty. So, my husband walks in after work with a VERY puzzled look on his face. "Who sent the rose?" he asked. "Oh, a strange man just showed up at my door and gave it to me," I replied. And, then of course, I had to explain.
Life went back to normal for about 2 hours. And, then Kylie decided to eat a lightbulb. I was working on the computer. Caleb was in the bathroom helping Ethan with his bath, and Kylie was innocently drinking juice. I turn around to check on her and notice she has a lightbulb in her mouth - the thin kind with the pointy end. I screech at her to get it out of her mouth, and then realize she actually bit the end off of the lightbulb! I tried to fish it out of her mouth, but sure enough, she swallowed it. Now, what kind of kid eats lightbulbs is beyond me. I mean, it's not like they taste like candy or anything. Anyway, I called poison control to see if they had to pump her stomach or something, but they said she would probably be alright. At least we didn't have to drag her and Ethan to the emergency room at 8:30 at night - again.
What exactly do days like that mean? Completely random things that I have absolutely no control over happen all at once and make my life nuts. It reminds me how little control I actually have over anything. Good thing God knows what's going on.

So I'm finally writing again. It seems like life around here is crazy all the time with one thing or another. I've been watching the news recently about the shootings in Westroads in Omaha and at the church and Youth with a Mission in Colorado. The violence is so sad and senseless. At least in Colorado, the man targeted people for a specific reason. In Omaha, the killer seemed to choose a location completely randomly and people for no reason at all. Neither of these men knew whose lives they were destroying. They simply felt such hatred for life - even their own - that they were determined to end as much life as possible. I grieve not only for the victims but for the shoooters. How much sorrow, turmoil, and despair led up to that end moment? What did they feel when they realized the pain hadn't ended as they'd thought it would?
As I was pondering these things, I read John 14:27 one day. "Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful." Peace. Our world is in desperate need of peace. How many people watched the news this last week and were troubled and fearful? If it can happen in Omaha just an hour away in a store I've shopped in multiple times, why not here in my mall with my kids? If it can happen at a church in Colorado Springs, why not my church on Sunday morning? Realism forces us to accept that our church, our mall, our faces could be plastered all over the news as victims of the latest in senseless crime. We should not be surprised that the world is not peaceful - true peace only comes through Jesus. Jesus said He gives us peace that the world cannot understand. Because it's Christmas, I think of the angels singing to the shepherds on the night of Christ's birth, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among men with whome He is pleased." Luke 2:14 His birth, life, death, and ressurection have given us peace that is beyond human ability to understand or explain. I hope that in spite of the busyness of Christmas and the chaos of the world around us, we will all take the chance to relax in the peace that only Jesus can give.

Wow! It's been a long time since I've written anything on here. Sorry I'm so slow, but life has been kinda crazy. Ethan and Kylie are at Tam and Alan's for a few days, so it's really quiet around here. I've been getting some scrapbooking done, though, which is good cuz I'm way behind! Ethan told Mimi that the reason he was at her house was cuz "mommy doesn't have time to write in her blog". So, I figured I'd better write something!
I'm finally feeling better after about two months of feeling sick. And the kids are over their colds, too. So, we're healthy all around! Yeah! I went to the doctor on Monday, and everything's fine with the baby. Except, he thought I was way too big to be only 14 weeks, so he had me get an ultrasound. Caleb went with me on Tuesday morning to do that, and everything's fine. The baby really is only 14 weeks, and there's only one of 'em in there. I had this crazy dream the night before that we went to the ultrasound and I was pregnant with twin, psycho boys! They were wrestling in my stomach! I totally freaked out, telling Caleb that I could handle twins if they were nice calm children, but that this kids were monsters. Anyway, I think I was a little worried about it... It was comforting to see the baby - that everything's ok. We even got some 3-D pictures which are pretty cool. But, I can't post them cuz we don't have a scanner, and they're just pictures. I guess you'll have to come see me to see them!
Other than that, our lives have been pretty normal. Ethan turned four at the end of July and had a GREAT birthday! We went swimming at the closest thing Lincoln has to a water park, and they let him go down the big slides! He was SO excited! And Kylie's fine. She's been growing a couple more teeth, so she's been kinda cranky about that off and on. And, she's talking like crazy! She loves to yell "Mommy! Mommy!" and then when I say "what?" she blabbers some unintelligible thing that I usually end up just nodding and smiling at. Caleb's been busy at work - and trying to keep up with yard work. It keeps raining here, which is nice, but poor Caleb mows the yard, then it rains, and the grass looks taller than before he mowed it by the next day. The joys of home ownership, I guess!
Well, I should go. My kids will be back home soon. I've missed them the last couple of days. The house is too quiet without them.

This is the day - the week, I guess - that we should've added another member to our family. The baby that we lost is in heaven in Jesus' arms. I am more excited to go to heaven one day, knowing that I will be able to finally meet our precious baby. I kind of envy him, actually, I think. Never knowing pain or tears or sickness or betrayal.... I don't want to make you sad or feel sorry for me by writing this. I just want to know that someone's remembering with me - even if I have to remind you. I have this nagging thought in my brain that my baby is sitting in heaven with all the babies whose mothers have purposely ended their lives thinking that we didn't want him and that nobody remembers him. I'm not sure that fits the Biblical version of heaven at all. But... as Caleb will tell you freely, I have a big imagination.
And, I have another tiny life growing inside of me (which, also according to Caleb, has made me totally, unreasonably emotional and hormonal.) I constantly am reminding myself to totally trust God with this baby, too, because He has a perfect plan for this tiny person just like He did for our other baby.
I have a song for this last year that I'm sure you've all heard MANY times - I have. I couldn't say what I've heard God tell me this last year any better. It's by Tree 63.

"Blessed be Your Name in the land that is plentiful, where Your streams of abundance flow. Blessed be Your Name.
And blessed be Your Name when I'm found in the desert place, though I walk through the wilderness, blessed be Your Name.

Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise.
When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say,
Blessed be the Name of the Lord
Blessed be Your Name
Blessed be the Name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious Name

And blessed be Your Name when the sun's shining down on me, when the world's all as it should be, blessed be Your Name.
And blessed be your name on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering, blessed be Your Name.

Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise.
When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say,
Blessed be the Name of the Lord
Blessed be Your Name
Blessed be the Name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious Name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be Your Name"

God has the power and authority to give and take away, and I have the choice to respond in trust and praise.
Job responded exactly that way when God took everything away from him. Job 1:21 "The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

For those of you who have been wondering, I'm fine now. I don't think I lose it very often as badly as I did the day I wrote last. It was just one of those days. And my amazing husband fixed my stove! So, I didn't get much of a break from cooking. By the way, if anyone has advice on how to untangle bumper pads it would be much appreciated.
Well, the last week has been fairly uneventful, I suppose. I started Ted Dekker's "Black", "Red", and "White" books again. No matter how many times I read those books, I am always impressed. Some of the suspense is lost, but I'm still awed by his picture of God. God wants us to ENJOY life and ENJOY knowing Him. I also read Ecclesiates in my Bible reading this week, and that is the point of that book too. Life is short and unfair for MANY people. How should we respond? Blindly trust that God knows what He's doing even when everything humanly reasonable screams that it doesn't make sense. And then, enjoy whatever it is He has given you while it lasts. The intellectual curiosity in me argues that such a philosophy is only for the uneducated who are unable to reason and search for answers for themselves. But it's what Solomon, one of the wisest (if not THE wisest) people ever, said in the Bible which is God's inspired word. That makes it truth. Regardless of whether or not I understand.

Welcome home?

Well, we're back home from DC! It's nice to be sleeping in my own bed again. But, I miss having my whole family together. We had so much fun! Although I wouldn't have traveled all the way to Washington DC to miss all the historical/ museum stuff, I can honestly say that wasn't my favorite part of the trip. Mt. Vernon was impressive, the Holocaust museum was overwhelming, The monuments were huge, and seeing the real Declaration of Independence was amazing. I'm glad I got to see all those things and more. But, the best part was spending time with my brothers and sisters! I'm so amazed by all of them - I can see very clearly how God has changed us all from selfish little children into adults who live to honor Him. I hope the change is as evident in me.
Getting back home has been hard in several ways. One of the first things I learned as I checked my email on Saturday night is that Dawn Marie (our pastor's daughter) died on Thursday. Maybe I'm just overly emotional - I really didn't know Dawn Marie at all - but I cried most of the way through church on Sunday. Her family was conspicuously absent (there's alot of them). And, it was mother's day. So, George Lockeyer kept saying what an essential job mother's have, and I kept thinking of Dawn Marie's kids and her husband.
On Tuesday, Ethan had the stomach flu. Then yesterday was pretty much the worst day ever. It started out pretty good. I woke up before the kids and actually had a chance to read my Bible, which doesn't happen most mornings. I felt relaxed and ready to handle the day. Then, Kylie woke up crying (which she hardly ever does), and when I went to get her, I found out why. It looked like she had thrown up in the middle of the night and then rolled in it. I know most of you don't want to know the nasty description, so I'll skip it. But, it was bad. I had to take everything off her bed and wash it. And, Kylie got a morning bath! So Kylie was cranky all day 'cuz she didn't feel good. Then, Ethan was hyper because I was rocking Kylie and couldn't pay attention to him like he thought I should. When I went to cook supper, my stove/oven died. Yes, my practically brand new oven won't get hot anymore. I was boiling water for spaghetti, and it just died. I had to cook the spaghetti in my hot pot. And, I have a half baked chocolate cake, if anyone's interested. After supper, I pulled Kylie's bumper pads out of the dryer to put them back on her crib. They're totally ruined. The filling on the inside twisted up into one giant ball in the middle. I don't know what I'm going to do about those. To top it all off, Caleb had to work late last night. Poor Caleb. By the time he got home I was totally losing it, and told him to give the kids a bath and put them to bed, so I could relax. He climbed on the roof with a hose and started cleaning out the gutters. I couldn't really blame him - especially after reading the Proverb about "better to live on the corner of a roof than with a contentious wife" just that morning. Kylie was running around the backyard screaming because she was scared of the noise he was making, and Ethan was yelling "DADDY!!!" at the top of his lungs (at 9:00 at night none the less - the neighbors were probably not happy) everytime Caleb went to the front side of the house where he couldn't see him. They finally went to bed, and I crashed. I watched CSI New York, and was surprisingly comforted because the people there seemed to be having a worse day than me.
Maybe today will be better. I think I could use another vacation, though. I guess I'll get one from cooking at least!