About a year ago when my family and I were in the midst of a very dark valley, God gave me two verses as if Isaiah wrote them directly to me. These verses were Isaiah 43:18-19, a portion of which says "Behold! I will do something new, now it will spring forth. Will you not be aware of it?"
Wow, am I aware.
And since I process through writing, I am sharing with you just a few of the many ways God has proved His love and grace and faithfulness and power through the last few days.
For those of you who don't know, at the end of September I accepted a job as the Children's Ministry Director at our church. It was not even on my radar of options for life, and then it happened so fast. And I have enjoyed it so much, I can't believe I didn't know I should want to do this. I get to work at one of my favorite places with some of my favorite people doing something I'm passionate about. I am so thankful.
On Thursday night, a fire started in our church building. In our infant nursery to be exact. The children's ministry hallway of our church building is a complete loss. I am going back in tomorrow to see if anything is worth saving, but it's not looking good.
Processing this has been hard. I got dressed for my wedding in that toddler nursery. I cried with my grandma that day on that north stairwell. My kids love those halls, those rooms. It's safe space for them. Ava was playing on the floor in the nursery four hours before the fire started. So many memories. How many times have the preschoolers jumped during music and it sounded like the building was falling over? How many times did I look in that doorway and see Mindi rocking a baby to sleep? How many times have I walked by and seen Virginia with her Bible open on her lap and her felt people walking across the flannel board?
You don't need all my memories because most of you have thousands of your own.
What I really want to share with you is a list of things you should praise God for with me. I know I have a unique perspective, and I think He should receive all the glory for the things He has done!
* The thing that has not left my head for three days now is - praise God there were not kids in the building when that fire started! We had literally just been planning a fire evacuation system for our children's ministry in the office Thursday afternoon. We have absolutely zero plan for evacuating our kids, and while I'm confident teachers would have led their children out, in the chaos of parents running up to rescue their kids, and everyone trying to get out quickly, it would have been so so easy to miss a child. There are no words.
* I took my laptop home. Not a normal thing. And get this, to type up a fire evacuation procedure. Not kidding. My desk is water damaged from wet ceiling tiles collapsing on it, but our laptop is safe at home with me.
* The amazing Central City Fire Department. I was not personally there watching them work Thursday night, but they saved our building from complete destruction by putting themselves at risk and working so quickly. They were on the roof with the flames shooting out. I just want to thank all those firefighter's wives. I would not be happy if that were my husband.
* Several of our faithful volunteers were in the building working on different issues to serve our kids on Thursday afternoon. Praise God that it was quickly obvious that none of their hard work had unintentionally caused this fire.
* We've been doing a Beth Moore study on the Fruit of the Spirit, and we've just been talking about how what's inside me will come out. If I allow God to control me, what comes out is love, joy, peace, patience, etc. (Galatians 5:22-23) It's not something I can work to do. It just happens because it's His nature coming out through me. I have seen the Spirit of God in the people around me in so many ways I think you'd get bored and stop reading if I named them all. Here are just a few.
Ok, as many as I could manage to limit myself to. =)
So many people have offered to donate or let us borrow toys, I've had to ask people to just wait. Mindi, Christi, Judi, Sarah's friend, Niki, Jennifer, and whoever else offered and I forgot, Thank you!
My husband for being mommy and daddy for days and folding laundry and washing dishes and brushing little girls' hair. There is no way I could have dealt with this without you. You are the best.
So many people have offered to help with kids on Sunday mornings. I am overwhelmed. Thank you so much. I will have jobs for all of you and more. =)
Jamie for being my personal assistant Saturday. I didn't know how badly I needed you until you texted and asked for a job.
Mindi, Sarah, Jamie, Kate, Aiden, Claire, the Stromsburg E-Free church people, Kristy, Larry, and everyone else who set up our nursery for our littles Sunday morning with such concern for their comfort in a new place.
Sandy for giving me a hug in the parking lot. I just needed a hug that day.
What would I do without Tracy? For telling me when I've gotten carried away and when to go home. And modeling a true servant's heart. And for so many, many other things. I will be happy to have my desk next to yours again.
Our pastors and elders and staff and their spouses for walking with God and loving our community with their best energy.
Tara for asking how I was doing at just the right time. And making me feel a little less crazy.
Niki for taking Ava last minute and telling me which totes I need and doing Valentine's Day card for my kids for school and making us supper and listening to me process. I hope all of you have such an amazing friend.
Everyone who is praying! Keep it up! We need the Spirit of God to walk us through this just as badly today as we did Friday. And we're more tired and farther behind on laundry today.
All these people and so many more have showed up and been the body of Christ these last few days because of the power of the Holy Spirit. I would have given up without them.
Ps. 62:8
"O my people, trust in Him at all times. Pour out your heart to Him, for God is our refuge."
Sunday, February 8, 2015
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
School!
School has started in the Merchant house. I'm a little panicky and excited about it all at once. I get up at 6:00 now - instead of 7:30 or 8:00 for the last three months. And the kids are getting up at 6:30 instead of 9:00. Brutal - especially for those of us who are not morning people... But my house is cleaner already, and it's only been four days. =) Kind of a toss up...
Ethan is a FIFTH grader this year. As in he's learning how to play the trombone. We maybe should have sound proofed his bedroom. Although Ethan's too much of a people person to play his trombone in his room anyway. If you don't have an audience, why play? Right?
The fifth and sixth graders also take some responsibility for chores like emptying trash cans and wiping tables after lunch at school. Apparently my son volunteered for what he thought was the hardest job on the first day cuz he didn't figure anyone else would want to do it. I'm so proud. Now if only I could get him to volunteer to clean up the kitchen after supper...
The fifth and sixth graders also take some responsibility for chores like emptying trash cans and wiping tables after lunch at school. Apparently my son volunteered for what he thought was the hardest job on the first day cuz he didn't figure anyone else would want to do it. I'm so proud. Now if only I could get him to volunteer to clean up the kitchen after supper...
Kylie is a THIRD grader! She's excited to move up to Mrs. Schreiber's classroom. And has suddenly started reading constantly - chapter books! Third grade is quite a leap up in terms of responsibility at our school, and I'm praying Kylie can keep up.
So far she's forgotten her gym shoes, her verse cards, and her reading homework. In three days. And (here's the part that baffles me!) didn't seem very concerned about any of it.
I would PANIC if I forgot something, but not Kylie. She's just says, "Mom. It's fine. I'll get it later."
The good news is I won't have to worry about her being a worrier like her mother when she grows up. ;)
So far she's forgotten her gym shoes, her verse cards, and her reading homework. In three days. And (here's the part that baffles me!) didn't seem very concerned about any of it.
I would PANIC if I forgot something, but not Kylie. She's just says, "Mom. It's fine. I'll get it later."
The good news is I won't have to worry about her being a worrier like her mother when she grows up. ;)
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And Julia is a FIRST grader. She is in the same classroom with the same teacher as last year, but still cried from the minute I woke her up until I peeled her off of me and left her at school on the first day. She is NOT A MORNING PERSON! But when I picked her up that first day, she bounced by me on her way to the playground saying, "I've decided I like school, Mommy!" And she hasn't cried since.
Whew.
I was a mess that first day.
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| This picture has nothing to do with school. I just think it's hilarious! And I know it got scrunched to a weird shape, but I don't know how to change it.... Help! |
And Ava and I are just hanging out at home, enjoying the quiet, playing preschool games, and reading books.
Oh and folding endless piles of laundry and cleaning bathrooms and driving two hours or so a day and grocery shopping and starting projects that were completely forgotten during the chaos of summer. Normal stuff like that. =)
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Family pictures! =)
I promised myself I'd write about something fun. Like giving bright pink, bubble gum flavored amoxycillin to 16 cats.
Yes. You read that right.
Sixteen.
Anyone want a few kittens?
You'd think that a person would make mouse-flavored amoxycillin for cats. Nope. Pink bubble gum just like you give your kids.
Huh. Cats HATE bubble gum.
The first time, we caught them off guard, so they didn't really know to scratch and claw and run. But after that, we couldn't get anywhere near the smart ones. I guess they're just gonna have to live sneezing with gooey eyes. We tried.
Or I could tell you about our family pictures!
Why is it that no one ever wants to take family pictures but me? Julia and Ethan got upset and ran off in the middle and had to be tracked down and bribed with candy to come back and smile for the camera. And Caleb suddenly noticed how dry the grass was and decided to water the yard. Oh, and our half paralyzed kitten pooped all the way down the front of Hudson.
So all the smiling and happiness you see in these pictures is mostly fake because I told my family they would smile and look happy for our family pictures so I could print them huge and hang them on our walls so everyone could see how happy we are.
But they turned out awesome. Because I have the best, most talented sisters ever.
Seriously, have you ever seen better family pictures than that? We have too much fun! I could never have even imagined all the love and giggling and silliness and chaos that God was giving me when I married this man. I am so grateful.
And a little tired.
Yes. You read that right.
Sixteen.
Anyone want a few kittens?
You'd think that a person would make mouse-flavored amoxycillin for cats. Nope. Pink bubble gum just like you give your kids.
Huh. Cats HATE bubble gum.
The first time, we caught them off guard, so they didn't really know to scratch and claw and run. But after that, we couldn't get anywhere near the smart ones. I guess they're just gonna have to live sneezing with gooey eyes. We tried.
Or I could tell you about our family pictures!
Why is it that no one ever wants to take family pictures but me? Julia and Ethan got upset and ran off in the middle and had to be tracked down and bribed with candy to come back and smile for the camera. And Caleb suddenly noticed how dry the grass was and decided to water the yard. Oh, and our half paralyzed kitten pooped all the way down the front of Hudson.
So all the smiling and happiness you see in these pictures is mostly fake because I told my family they would smile and look happy for our family pictures so I could print them huge and hang them on our walls so everyone could see how happy we are.
But they turned out awesome. Because I have the best, most talented sisters ever.
And a little tired.
Thursday, July 17, 2014
What do I love?
This thought is more philosophical than my brain normally handles. And I can't get over the feeling that some famous quote somewhere already said this, and so my brilliant idea for the day is rendered...well... not so brilliant.
Regardless, here's my thought for the day:
I read this verse in Hosea today:
Now I realize that Hosea is not in general a highly encouraging book - although if you can get past all the death and destruction God promises to His people for leaving Him, His revelation of His unfailing love for His sinful, rebellious, purposely-running-in-the-wrong-direction people is jaw dropping.
But this verse in particular seems pretty depressing.
I don't know what Baal-peor is for sure, but it seems bad. Shame. Detestable.
However, it started me thinking.
We image that which we truly love.
Just stop and think about that for a minute. I did.
We image that which we truly love.
Not only that.
We are slaves to that which we truly love.
These Israelites spent so much time at Baal-peor that they imaged the detestable things happening there. They didn't mean to. It wasn't their goal walking in. Subtly, seductively, Baal-peor became what they loved. And it smeared its shame on their souls until it came oozing out of every thought, every action, every intention of their hearts.
This is slavery. Baal-peor controlled them.
This challenged me this morning. I want to say I love the LORD my God with all my heart and with all my soul and with all my might (Deut. 6:5), but do I image Him? Do I do what He has asked me to do as if I have no other choice?
What have I let into my soul?
Have I spent so much time looking at Pinterest and Facebook that I crave that thing those people over there have?
Have I so attached my emotions to the well-being of a character on my favorite tv show that I am consumed by what might happen next week?
Is the outcome of my son's baseball game the thing I can't stop talking about?
Am I constantly self-promoting?
Do I see the pretty things in Target and plot how to fit them into the budget?
Can I not walk away from my job long enough to engage my family?
Whatever my issues are. As soon as I devote my heart to anything besides Jesus, it boils down to one thing.
Idolatry.
Ouch.
This was the sin of Baal-peor. The Israelites devoted themselves to something other than their God. And they forfeited their access to grace and love and mercy and joy. Their idolatry reaped for them a harvest of unimaginable devastation.
So what am I imaging to the world around me?
What other things are trying to sneak their way into my heart?
Destroy my love for anything but You, Jesus!
Regardless, here's my thought for the day:
I read this verse in Hosea today:
"they came to Baal-peor and devoted themselves to shame,
and they became as detestable as that which they loved."
Hosea 9:10b
Now I realize that Hosea is not in general a highly encouraging book - although if you can get past all the death and destruction God promises to His people for leaving Him, His revelation of His unfailing love for His sinful, rebellious, purposely-running-in-the-wrong-direction people is jaw dropping.
But this verse in particular seems pretty depressing.
I don't know what Baal-peor is for sure, but it seems bad. Shame. Detestable.
However, it started me thinking.
We image that which we truly love.
Just stop and think about that for a minute. I did.
We image that which we truly love.
Not only that.
We are slaves to that which we truly love.
These Israelites spent so much time at Baal-peor that they imaged the detestable things happening there. They didn't mean to. It wasn't their goal walking in. Subtly, seductively, Baal-peor became what they loved. And it smeared its shame on their souls until it came oozing out of every thought, every action, every intention of their hearts.
This is slavery. Baal-peor controlled them.
This challenged me this morning. I want to say I love the LORD my God with all my heart and with all my soul and with all my might (Deut. 6:5), but do I image Him? Do I do what He has asked me to do as if I have no other choice?
What have I let into my soul?
Have I spent so much time looking at Pinterest and Facebook that I crave that thing those people over there have?
Have I so attached my emotions to the well-being of a character on my favorite tv show that I am consumed by what might happen next week?
Is the outcome of my son's baseball game the thing I can't stop talking about?
Am I constantly self-promoting?
Do I see the pretty things in Target and plot how to fit them into the budget?
Can I not walk away from my job long enough to engage my family?
Whatever my issues are. As soon as I devote my heart to anything besides Jesus, it boils down to one thing.
Idolatry.
Ouch.
This was the sin of Baal-peor. The Israelites devoted themselves to something other than their God. And they forfeited their access to grace and love and mercy and joy. Their idolatry reaped for them a harvest of unimaginable devastation.
So what am I imaging to the world around me?
What other things are trying to sneak their way into my heart?
Destroy my love for anything but You, Jesus!
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
"I will do something new"
In January, God gave me this verse as my verse for 2014.
Have you ever been in the wilderness? Stumbling aimlessly around the desert? Have you given up hope that you will ever find your way out?
I have been there. I spent a good majority of the last year there. And when God gave me this verse, I had nothing but my brokenness, a desperate faith, and a very great and faithful loving God. Nothing in my circumstances looked any more hopeful than they had the day before.
And, I think, I was finally exactly where He had wanted me the whole time.
I began to read this verse over and over. I thought if I consumed myself with it, maybe I would believe it. Maybe I would believe that God had promised it to ancient Israel and also - incredibly! - promised it to me in my dark valley.
"Do not call to mind the former things, or ponder things of the past." Walk away, Melody. Don't look back. Look forward. Fix your eyes on Me. And let go of the hurt and pain. Give your wounded heart to Me because I Am the ultimate healer of shattered hearts. And I paid the price for all the selfishness that got you into this mess.
"Behold, I will do something new, now it will spring forth. Will you not be aware of it?" Look at Me! I am doing something! Something new! Will you notice when I move? Will you give Me the glory when it happens?
And I did a fair amount of asking, "When is "now", God? Like today would be nice!"
"I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, rivers in the desert." Really? A roadway in my wilderness? A river in my desert? I don't think you realize how bad it is here, Jesus. Are you sure you are big enough and good enough and love me enough to care for my issues? After all, what seems impossible and hopeless to me pales in comparison to the mother with no food to feed her babies in Africa. So many truly life or death problems in the world. Do you really have time and energy to spend on my broken heart when there is so much despair in the world?
And I am here to tell you today that God has done something new. Something unexpected and so obviously from Him that I can do nothing but stand in awe of His grace and His endless LOVE. He has made a roadway in the wilderness, rivers in the desert. In ways I could never have even imagined to ask.
Are all my problems instantly solved? My every desire satisfied? No.
But I KNOW that what He has given has come directly from His hand.
And I trust Him to be good.
And I feel so perfectly loved.
And I have learned to trust.
To pour my hopelessness out to Him and then walk away from the hurt and watch my God act.
Isaiah 43:18-19
"Do not call to mind the former things, or ponder things of the past. Behold, I will do something new, now it will spring forth. Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, rivers in the desert."
Have you ever been in the wilderness? Stumbling aimlessly around the desert? Have you given up hope that you will ever find your way out?
I have been there. I spent a good majority of the last year there. And when God gave me this verse, I had nothing but my brokenness, a desperate faith, and a very great and faithful loving God. Nothing in my circumstances looked any more hopeful than they had the day before.
And, I think, I was finally exactly where He had wanted me the whole time.
I began to read this verse over and over. I thought if I consumed myself with it, maybe I would believe it. Maybe I would believe that God had promised it to ancient Israel and also - incredibly! - promised it to me in my dark valley.
"Do not call to mind the former things, or ponder things of the past." Walk away, Melody. Don't look back. Look forward. Fix your eyes on Me. And let go of the hurt and pain. Give your wounded heart to Me because I Am the ultimate healer of shattered hearts. And I paid the price for all the selfishness that got you into this mess.
"Behold, I will do something new, now it will spring forth. Will you not be aware of it?" Look at Me! I am doing something! Something new! Will you notice when I move? Will you give Me the glory when it happens?
And I did a fair amount of asking, "When is "now", God? Like today would be nice!"
"I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, rivers in the desert." Really? A roadway in my wilderness? A river in my desert? I don't think you realize how bad it is here, Jesus. Are you sure you are big enough and good enough and love me enough to care for my issues? After all, what seems impossible and hopeless to me pales in comparison to the mother with no food to feed her babies in Africa. So many truly life or death problems in the world. Do you really have time and energy to spend on my broken heart when there is so much despair in the world?
And I am here to tell you today that God has done something new. Something unexpected and so obviously from Him that I can do nothing but stand in awe of His grace and His endless LOVE. He has made a roadway in the wilderness, rivers in the desert. In ways I could never have even imagined to ask.
Are all my problems instantly solved? My every desire satisfied? No.
But I KNOW that what He has given has come directly from His hand.
And I trust Him to be good.
And I feel so perfectly loved.
And I have learned to trust.
To pour my hopelessness out to Him and then walk away from the hurt and watch my God act.
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
A Challenge
Sometimes I think I've given up. Maybe it's just four kids home all summer that destroys my sense of being able to plan to do something and actually get it done?
Or maybe I've gotten too used to going to bed with dirty dishes in the sink because I'm too exhausted from shopping clearance at Hobby Lobby for Christmas presents to care. =) (In my defense, I grocery shopped too! With two little girls...)
Or maybe I'm just so used to the back side of Christmas wrapping paper hanging on the mudroom wall that I forget that actually I have real stuff to hang up there!
I see things that aren't the way I want them, but they've been that way so long, I start to look past them.
So I know the "carrots" in the garden have been completely drowned out by weeds. And I know there's a layer of dust over every piece of furniture in the house. But if I pull the weeds and dust the furniture, the weeds and dust will be back tomorrow. Really, everyone knows it's a losing battle.
And I know there's mud on the mudroom walls. But it's a mud room!
That's what it's for!
Mud.
Right?
And there is so much laundry to fold!
But some people are so productive! Like my husband yesterday.
He worked a full day from 8-5.
Came home and mowed most of our overgrown, jungle-imitating yard. I had been trying to mow that yard for weeks but had only managed to mow the front yard twice.
Then he came inside, put the girls the rest of the way to bed, and wanted supper. Only the dishes were piled in the sink because of my exhausting shopping trip.
He doesn't handle messes well.
So he happily cleaned my kitchen at 10:00 at night and ate a peach and some yogurt for supper.
Have I told you lately how much I love this man?
And so this is my new goal for the rest of the summer. (Is it possible that school starts again in a little over one month??!? And why does this make me panic worse than the approaching summer did in April?)
I am going to wash my mudroom wall.
Today.
And fold the laundry.
And put it away.
And I will wash my own dirty dishes by 9:00 tonight.
Sounds like it should be easy enough, right?
But for this unorganized, not-clean-freak, morning person (who has now lost half the productive hours in the day typing on the computer and talking on the phone until 10:14 in the morning!), and mother of four who would rather be baking chocolate chip cookies, this is quite the challenge! =)
Or maybe I've gotten too used to going to bed with dirty dishes in the sink because I'm too exhausted from shopping clearance at Hobby Lobby for Christmas presents to care. =) (In my defense, I grocery shopped too! With two little girls...)
Or maybe I'm just so used to the back side of Christmas wrapping paper hanging on the mudroom wall that I forget that actually I have real stuff to hang up there!
I see things that aren't the way I want them, but they've been that way so long, I start to look past them.
So I know the "carrots" in the garden have been completely drowned out by weeds. And I know there's a layer of dust over every piece of furniture in the house. But if I pull the weeds and dust the furniture, the weeds and dust will be back tomorrow. Really, everyone knows it's a losing battle.
And I know there's mud on the mudroom walls. But it's a mud room!
That's what it's for!
Mud.
Right?
And there is so much laundry to fold!
But some people are so productive! Like my husband yesterday.
He worked a full day from 8-5.
Came home and mowed most of our overgrown, jungle-imitating yard. I had been trying to mow that yard for weeks but had only managed to mow the front yard twice.
Then he came inside, put the girls the rest of the way to bed, and wanted supper. Only the dishes were piled in the sink because of my exhausting shopping trip.
He doesn't handle messes well.
So he happily cleaned my kitchen at 10:00 at night and ate a peach and some yogurt for supper.
Have I told you lately how much I love this man?
And so this is my new goal for the rest of the summer. (Is it possible that school starts again in a little over one month??!? And why does this make me panic worse than the approaching summer did in April?)
I am going to wash my mudroom wall.
Today.
And fold the laundry.
And put it away.
And I will wash my own dirty dishes by 9:00 tonight.
Sounds like it should be easy enough, right?
But for this unorganized, not-clean-freak, morning person (who has now lost half the productive hours in the day typing on the computer and talking on the phone until 10:14 in the morning!), and mother of four who would rather be baking chocolate chip cookies, this is quite the challenge! =)
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Power and beauty
It's been a stormy couple of months here in Nebraska. Truthfully I've been loving it! I have found myself completely fascinated by the Nebraska sky. Granted, there isn't much in the way of typical beautiful scenery out here - no ocean waves or towering mountains. Just corn. Lots and lots of corn. Throw in some soy beans, ditches overflowing with weeds, pivots, and a few cows, and you see what I see most days.
And I find myself constantly looking up. And wishing that I could somehow capture what I see in the lens of a camera and show it to you - big enough that you could see the puffy cotton ball clouds surrounded by the bright blue sky with the green laid out below. But I'm no photographer.
One particular afternoon I watched what is becoming a familiar line of black roll in from the west. The towering, malicious clouds blocked out the sun too early, and a bright afternoon turned dark. I knew storm chasers from all over the nation had been sitting outside my parents' home 30 miles away waiting for some fantastic, massive storm to develop. They all wanted the best tornado video, the most spectacular cloud pictures.
This storm did not disappoint. Widespread, huge hail destroyed thousands of acres of crops and smashed windows and ruined roofs. We were spared the worst of the wind, although the corn in the fields around our home testified of the damaging hail. Reports of homes destroyed by what had to be tornadoes filtered in over the next day.
And suddenly, the sky cleared. We watched the black clouds march farther south and east, and the sun came out briefly in the west.
Have you ever sat and watched the back side of a storm? The black clouds towering to the east with the setting sun shining it's orange and red from the west? And everything wet and sparkling with rain? I was stunned by the beauty. In the wake of such destruction.
And I wondered, what does this moment say about my God? The Creator of this storm? And the Giver of the beauty afterward?
Proverbs says, "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom," and I wonder what does it look like to fear the God who loves me so recklessly? Maybe this is how?
Because the same God who loves me enough to step away from heaven, take on a human body with human limitations and emotions and needs, and die a truly horrific death - that God is ultimate POWER.
Listen to the thunder shake the house. Watch the wind bend huge trees almost to the ground. Watch ice golf balls pound your crops back into the dust. And beg God to save the people in the paths of massive tornadoes scraping clean towns full of homes and businesses and memories and futures.
And KNOW that this is my God.
He really is that BIG. He's good, but He's huge and completely beyond my ability to control or even understand.
Feel my own powerlessness in the face of such awesome power.
And then, when the fury of the storm is spent, marvel in the glory. The beauty. The birds singing and playing in the puddles.
Maybe this is wisdom.
And I find myself constantly looking up. And wishing that I could somehow capture what I see in the lens of a camera and show it to you - big enough that you could see the puffy cotton ball clouds surrounded by the bright blue sky with the green laid out below. But I'm no photographer.
One particular afternoon I watched what is becoming a familiar line of black roll in from the west. The towering, malicious clouds blocked out the sun too early, and a bright afternoon turned dark. I knew storm chasers from all over the nation had been sitting outside my parents' home 30 miles away waiting for some fantastic, massive storm to develop. They all wanted the best tornado video, the most spectacular cloud pictures.
This storm did not disappoint. Widespread, huge hail destroyed thousands of acres of crops and smashed windows and ruined roofs. We were spared the worst of the wind, although the corn in the fields around our home testified of the damaging hail. Reports of homes destroyed by what had to be tornadoes filtered in over the next day.
And suddenly, the sky cleared. We watched the black clouds march farther south and east, and the sun came out briefly in the west.
Have you ever sat and watched the back side of a storm? The black clouds towering to the east with the setting sun shining it's orange and red from the west? And everything wet and sparkling with rain? I was stunned by the beauty. In the wake of such destruction.
And I wondered, what does this moment say about my God? The Creator of this storm? And the Giver of the beauty afterward?
Proverbs says, "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom," and I wonder what does it look like to fear the God who loves me so recklessly? Maybe this is how?
Because the same God who loves me enough to step away from heaven, take on a human body with human limitations and emotions and needs, and die a truly horrific death - that God is ultimate POWER.
Listen to the thunder shake the house. Watch the wind bend huge trees almost to the ground. Watch ice golf balls pound your crops back into the dust. And beg God to save the people in the paths of massive tornadoes scraping clean towns full of homes and businesses and memories and futures.
And KNOW that this is my God.
He really is that BIG. He's good, but He's huge and completely beyond my ability to control or even understand.
Feel my own powerlessness in the face of such awesome power.
And then, when the fury of the storm is spent, marvel in the glory. The beauty. The birds singing and playing in the puddles.
Maybe this is wisdom.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Five loaves and two fish
Do you ever feel like the five loaves and two fish?
I do this morning.
I just read Luke 9, and listen to this:
Many days I feel like I was made to be enough to feed one person, and I'm being asked to feed 5,000 hungry men instead. I feel stretched and thin and lacking and so obviously not even close to enough.
Jesus knew the five loaves and two fish were not enough to feed all those people. But He also knew that He can do the impossible. And so he blessed the small amount of food and broke it.
Ouch. That's the part that hurts me, I think. I don't want to be broken. I want to feel like I am sane. That I have some control over my own life. I want to be whole.
But my desires look so small in the light of the fact that my Savior's hands are on me. That He is blessing me.
And so somehow.
Mysteriously.
Miraculously.
Impossibly.
The food turns out to be enough after all. Not just enough but overflowing. Twelve extra baskets full. Plenty for everyone and then some!
And maybe? Impossibly? That means that in the hands of Jesus, with His blessing on me, and His hands breaking me and giving me away, I can be enough too. Not just to survive and get by but to overflow.
Overflow with joy in the midst of sadness.
Peace in the midst of chaos.
Hope in the middle of despair.
Goodness and patience with my kids.
Love when I've been hurt.
Grace for sinners.
Joy in being broken.
I do this morning.
I just read Luke 9, and listen to this:
"Then He took the five loaves and the two fish, and looking up to heaven, He blessed them, and broke them, and kept giving them to the disciples to set before the people. And they all ate and were satisfied; and the broken pieces which they had left over were picked up, twelve baskets full."
Luke 9: 16-17
Many days I feel like I was made to be enough to feed one person, and I'm being asked to feed 5,000 hungry men instead. I feel stretched and thin and lacking and so obviously not even close to enough.
Jesus knew the five loaves and two fish were not enough to feed all those people. But He also knew that He can do the impossible. And so he blessed the small amount of food and broke it.
Ouch. That's the part that hurts me, I think. I don't want to be broken. I want to feel like I am sane. That I have some control over my own life. I want to be whole.
But my desires look so small in the light of the fact that my Savior's hands are on me. That He is blessing me.
And so somehow.
Mysteriously.
Miraculously.
Impossibly.
The food turns out to be enough after all. Not just enough but overflowing. Twelve extra baskets full. Plenty for everyone and then some!
And maybe? Impossibly? That means that in the hands of Jesus, with His blessing on me, and His hands breaking me and giving me away, I can be enough too. Not just to survive and get by but to overflow.
Overflow with joy in the midst of sadness.
Peace in the midst of chaos.
Hope in the middle of despair.
Goodness and patience with my kids.
Love when I've been hurt.
Grace for sinners.
Joy in being broken.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Look up!
Most of the time, out here in the middle of nowhere in the flat, field- covered plains of Nebraska, the most spectacular thing about the scenery is the sky. Since we moved to the country, I have found myself spending way more time than I ever thought I would staring at the sky. In town, there are so many trees and lights and buildings that my view was always obstructed. But out here I can see to the horizon in any direction if I'm in the right spot.
And so I've been watching sunrises and sunsets and the clouds and stars in between. I find myself amazed that the spectacular sunrises and sunsets are so short. The sky lights up in a blaze of glorious pinks, oranges, reds, and purples, and then fades to blue sky or the black of night so quickly. If you're not looking at exactly the right time, you'll miss it all together.
Then one day, it hit me. I was mourning the loss of the colors, but they didn't actually disappear. I mean, they did in this spot - at my house. But actually they just moved west.
The sun is constantly rising and setting somewhere in the world.
The sky doesn't just display the glory of God for a few minutes of the day every 24 hours. At this very minute, the sun is rising somewhere west of me - maybe at Micah and Allie's house by now.
A few hours ago it set in Chiang Mai, on Rob and Christina's family. And a few hours from now, it will set in Zambia on Kristi.
God created the world so that someone on earth at any moment of any day is able to look up into the sky and see the marvelous glory of God displayed by the light of the sun moving down toward the horizon or up off the horizon. He's doing this right now. As I type.
That's incredible to me. My God is so big that, as one in a million routine things that He does to sustain life every day, He creates a spectacular reminder constantly, always changing and moving and screaming the glory of our Creator to our desperately hurting world.
Look up!
Psalm 19:1
"The heavens are telling the glory of God; and their expanse is declaring the work of His hands."
And so I've been watching sunrises and sunsets and the clouds and stars in between. I find myself amazed that the spectacular sunrises and sunsets are so short. The sky lights up in a blaze of glorious pinks, oranges, reds, and purples, and then fades to blue sky or the black of night so quickly. If you're not looking at exactly the right time, you'll miss it all together.
Then one day, it hit me. I was mourning the loss of the colors, but they didn't actually disappear. I mean, they did in this spot - at my house. But actually they just moved west.
The sun is constantly rising and setting somewhere in the world.
The sky doesn't just display the glory of God for a few minutes of the day every 24 hours. At this very minute, the sun is rising somewhere west of me - maybe at Micah and Allie's house by now.
A few hours ago it set in Chiang Mai, on Rob and Christina's family. And a few hours from now, it will set in Zambia on Kristi.
God created the world so that someone on earth at any moment of any day is able to look up into the sky and see the marvelous glory of God displayed by the light of the sun moving down toward the horizon or up off the horizon. He's doing this right now. As I type.
That's incredible to me. My God is so big that, as one in a million routine things that He does to sustain life every day, He creates a spectacular reminder constantly, always changing and moving and screaming the glory of our Creator to our desperately hurting world.
Look up!
Psalm 19:1
"The heavens are telling the glory of God; and their expanse is declaring the work of His hands."
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
September 17, 2010
Bet you don't know what happened that day, do you?
Well, neither would I. Except...
Caleb found a hand-written (as in: on notebook paper in pencil like a junior high note) blog post dated 9/17/10 in a stack of papers the other day.
It makes me laugh, so you get to read it too. Be happy. =)
Ok, it almost killed me to type that without editing it - just a little? But I wanted to preserve it exactly.
Looking back, the being like Jesus part looks like it will be worth it someday. The verdict on the kids is still out. =)
And Caleb and I totally matched when we went to church the other day, so I'm moving up in the world! ;)
Well, neither would I. Except...
Caleb found a hand-written (as in: on notebook paper in pencil like a junior high note) blog post dated 9/17/10 in a stack of papers the other day.
It makes me laugh, so you get to read it too. Be happy. =)
"I am unaccountably annoyed with my husband today.
Why?
Well, to start he actually looked good when we went to church this morning. His face did not look like he was 15 due to an uncontrollable flood of hormones. He did not have giant puffy bags under his eyes from getting up with the baby every two hours last night.
I. Need. Sleep.
Ava's nine months old, and I've slept through the night twice.
Major sleep deprivation.
And the man keeps telling me how I get crabby at night and start whining. As if I have no reason. You try not sleeping decently for years on end and see what it does to you.
Ok, back to the looking good for church thing. His hair was not frizzy and unruly. His toenail paint was not peeling, and his butt did not look like an old lady's in his only pair of black dress pants. Oh! And the ruffles on his shirt were not frilling the wrong way.
Next reason.
He gets the weekend off.
He watches football games and monopolizes the computer. Ok, in his defense, he fixed the garage door. Yay!
But when is my day off?
When do I get to watch mindless youtube videos while someone else cooks, cleans, disciplines the kids, and changes dirty diapers?
Friday was supposed to be my day off (thanks Tam!). I went to Super Saver, Target, my chiro appointment, watched Niki's kids, Amigo's, Neat Repeatz, Once Upon a Child, the hospital, and HyVee. Then I came home and washed dishes, cleaned the bathroom, picked up, and vacuumed. No nap for me.
And the only thing I bough myself was a taco and tampons.
Did I volunteer for this? When exactly does this pay off like everyone says it will? When I'm too old and exhausted to care? Making me more like Jesus must be really, really important cuz that's all I see happening here. God sanding all my points off (ouch!) to force me to be like Him. Can I just say it's not so fun?
"Fix your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of your faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the Father in heaven."
Sitting down sounds nice. I think that's my favorite part.
As a footnote, I'd like to say I had to write this with a pencil because my husband has total control of the laptop. My hand hurts."
Ok, it almost killed me to type that without editing it - just a little? But I wanted to preserve it exactly.
Looking back, the being like Jesus part looks like it will be worth it someday. The verdict on the kids is still out. =)
And Caleb and I totally matched when we went to church the other day, so I'm moving up in the world! ;)
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
"Kyrie Eleison" and Kristi
I was just listening to the latest Getty album off my phone through my Bluetooth speaker in the kitchen while doing supper dishes. (Thanks to my awesome husband for my favorite Christmas present! =)
"Kyrie Eleison" came on. The first time I heard this song, I cringed. I have two memories of this song - before the Getty version.
"Kyrie Eleison" came on. The first time I heard this song, I cringed. I have two memories of this song - before the Getty version.
#1.) A not-so-talented-as-we-thought-we-were highschool choir attempting to sing words we did not understand.
And #2.) The movie "Ever After" and a screeching, sobbing bride unwillingly entering an arranged marriage.
Admit it. That's what popped into your mind, too. =)
Admit it. That's what popped into your mind, too. =)
Here's the words to the Getty version. You should probably just go download the entire album on iTunes. =) I can't find a youtube video, so you can't listen to it. Sorry...
"Kyrie eleison; have mercy.
Christe eleison; have mercy.
Kyrie eleison; have mercy.
Christe eleison; have mercy.
As we come before You
With the needs of our world,
We confess our failures and our sin,
For our words are many
Yet our deeds have been few;
Fan the fire of compassion
Once again.
When the cries of victims
Go unheard in the land,
And the scars of war refuse to heal,
Will we stand for justice
To empower the weak
Til their bonds of oppression
Are no more?
If we love our God with all our
Heart, mind, and strength,
And we love our Neighbors as ourselves,
Then this law of love
Will heal the nations of earth,
And the glory of Christ Will be revealed.
Lord, renew our vision
To be Christ where we live,
To reach out in mercy to the lost;
For each cup of kindness
To the least in our midst
Is an offering of worship
To the throne."
Keith Getty and Stuart Townend
The last line reminded me of this blog post by my youngest sister. She's a nurse at a Bible college in rural Zambia.
I cried when I read Kristi's blog. This woman being pushed in a wheelbarrow to see a doctor - not to live long but to die with less pain. Faceless and nameless to me. She has a face and a name. God loves her. Her mother and her baby boy and my sister know and love her too. I cannot - I do not dare blur her in with the millions of other suffering, dying people in the world.
I wonder if life is a long walk through brokenness. A continual parade past the brokenness of other people and a continual revealing of the depth of the scars on my own shattered soul. And I wonder why God constantly puts in front of me people for whom my heart breaks with sorrow and reminds me that I am helpless to do anything. That He is the Savior, not me. That His ways are higher than mine.
When Jesus walked the earth, he gave sight to the blind, made the lame walk, raised the dead. I just read it this morning in Matthew 20. Jesus was "moved with compassion" and healed the blind.
But what I am to do when I see the dying riding to Kristi in a wheelbarrow and am moved with compassion but have no physical cure? When my broken heart and my God are all I have to give - and even that from half a world away?
That's why I love this song. "For each cup of kindness to the least in our midst is an offering of worship to the throne."
That glass of water Caleb just carried Julia after the lights were out? That can count as worship!
To the exhausted mommy who hasn't slept in years. That compassion for your screaming two year old at 3:00 am who literally has slept through the night five times in his entire life - that's straight from the heart of Jesus.
Teach me to walk close to you, Jesus, so I catch Your heart of compassion and use it when You give me opportunities. That is worship!
That glass of water Caleb just carried Julia after the lights were out? That can count as worship!
To the exhausted mommy who hasn't slept in years. That compassion for your screaming two year old at 3:00 am who literally has slept through the night five times in his entire life - that's straight from the heart of Jesus.
Teach me to walk close to you, Jesus, so I catch Your heart of compassion and use it when You give me opportunities. That is worship!
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
What am I happy to receive this Christmas?
Christmas is in 14 days! Ah!
I'm a little freaked out by that. My season of life right now brings so many responsibilities to these next two weeks. I have a constantly running "To Do List" scrolling through my brain.
~Christmas tree up and decorated. Check.
~How many Christmas presents do I still need to buy?
~Hmmm... I wonder why the nativity scene on top of the piano has still not been arranged so all the animals can see baby Jesus?
~Speaking of baby Jesus, aren't I supposed to be reading Advent verses with my kids so they remember Christmas isn't all about presents?
~Oh! And I forgot to tell Ava to stop yelling that Santa is NOT real in Sunday School...
~And usually I make Grandma's caramels every Christmas. Who will be upset if that doesn't happen this year? How 'bout we buy Reese's and call it good?
~The kid's Christmas program is THIS Friday? At what time?
For me right now, so many of these things involve giving. Which I love. But it can be exhausting and overwhelming to handle the details. Make sure all the kids have the same number of presents to unwrap.
We are told so often around Christmas to remember that Jesus coming to earth as a baby is the greatest gift anyone has ever given. And we give at Christmas to emulate Jesus' gift. To be like our Savior.
And this is good. I want to be like Jesus. I want His love to flow through me to the people around me. And I am thankful that Christmas gives me the opportunity to do that in ways that normally I might not take the time to do.
But I have been thinking, I think I miss some of the blessing of Christmas by being so busy giving that I forget to receive. I mean, obviously someone is going to buy me a Christmas present, and I will open it and enjoy it and be grateful.
But I really want to intentionally take some time to remind myself of what I've been given this Christmas. I want to stop giving long enough to just sit in front of God with my hands open and be thankful for the grace He has poured out on me - even when I give Him nothing to deserve such kindness.
So I found a online Bible study site and searched for "receive", and learned that apparently that word never happens in the Bible (I don't believe that's true, but the website insists it can't find any). So I tried plan b. I searched, "God given" and got a list of 110 verses! I'll share a few with you.
~The first one is in Genesis 1:29 where God gives Adam and Eve food from the plants and trees in the garden.
~The next are in Genesis 30 where God gives Rachel and then Leah (sisters and Jacob's wives - it's messy) sons. There are quite a few more references in Genesis to God giving children.
~Then we skip to Deuteronomy where Moses reminds Israel before they go into the Promised Land that God has given them this good land and His law - 16 times if I counted right.
~In Joshua 22:4, God gives the people of Israel rest after conquering the land. Again King Solomon says in 1 Kings 5:4, "But now the LORD my God has given me rest on every side; there is neither adversary nor misfortune."
~Nehemiah 12:43 says that God gave the exiles who had returned to Jerusalem great joy!
~Psalm 66:19 says, "But certainly God has heard; He has given heed to the voice of my prayer."
~In Psalm 118:27, we are reminded that, "The LORD is God, and He has given us light."
~In Ecclesiastes, God gives life and labor and riches and wealth.
~In Isaiah 9:6, we are given HOPE! "For a child will be born to us, a son will be given to us; And the government will rest on His shoulders; And His name will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Peace."
~And in the middle of the terrible judgments filling the last part of the Old Testament, Jeremiah 8:14. "Why are we sitting still? Assemble yourselves, and let us go into the fortified cities And let us perish there, Because the LORD our God has doomed us And given us poisoned water to drink, For we have sinned against the LORD."
~God gives Daniel wisdom to answer the king.
~In Joel 2:23, God gives rain.
~And then Jesus came and gave everything. Healing. Love. Instruction. A perfect example of how to walk with God. And ultimately His life.
~And then God gives the Holy Spirit to live in those who trust Him. Romans 5:5, "the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."
~This Spirit helps us know God and His gifts. 1 Corinthians 2:12 - Now we have received, not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may know the things freely given to us by God."
~God gives us GRACE! I Corinthians 1:4
~"For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power, and love, and discipline." I Timothy 1:7
~I John 5:11, "God has given us eternal life, and this life is in His Son."
This list merely scratches the surface of the things God has given His people. I love the reminder that God is has been faithful from the creation of the world to be a loving, giving God. I am eternally thankful! And pray that I receive His gifts with a heart of gratitude and open hands.
What are you happy to receive from God this Christmas?
I'm a little freaked out by that. My season of life right now brings so many responsibilities to these next two weeks. I have a constantly running "To Do List" scrolling through my brain.
~Christmas tree up and decorated. Check.
~How many Christmas presents do I still need to buy?
~Hmmm... I wonder why the nativity scene on top of the piano has still not been arranged so all the animals can see baby Jesus?
~Speaking of baby Jesus, aren't I supposed to be reading Advent verses with my kids so they remember Christmas isn't all about presents?
~Oh! And I forgot to tell Ava to stop yelling that Santa is NOT real in Sunday School...
~And usually I make Grandma's caramels every Christmas. Who will be upset if that doesn't happen this year? How 'bout we buy Reese's and call it good?
~The kid's Christmas program is THIS Friday? At what time?
For me right now, so many of these things involve giving. Which I love. But it can be exhausting and overwhelming to handle the details. Make sure all the kids have the same number of presents to unwrap.
We are told so often around Christmas to remember that Jesus coming to earth as a baby is the greatest gift anyone has ever given. And we give at Christmas to emulate Jesus' gift. To be like our Savior.
And this is good. I want to be like Jesus. I want His love to flow through me to the people around me. And I am thankful that Christmas gives me the opportunity to do that in ways that normally I might not take the time to do.
But I have been thinking, I think I miss some of the blessing of Christmas by being so busy giving that I forget to receive. I mean, obviously someone is going to buy me a Christmas present, and I will open it and enjoy it and be grateful.
But I really want to intentionally take some time to remind myself of what I've been given this Christmas. I want to stop giving long enough to just sit in front of God with my hands open and be thankful for the grace He has poured out on me - even when I give Him nothing to deserve such kindness.
So I found a online Bible study site and searched for "receive", and learned that apparently that word never happens in the Bible (I don't believe that's true, but the website insists it can't find any). So I tried plan b. I searched, "God given" and got a list of 110 verses! I'll share a few with you.
~The first one is in Genesis 1:29 where God gives Adam and Eve food from the plants and trees in the garden.
~The next are in Genesis 30 where God gives Rachel and then Leah (sisters and Jacob's wives - it's messy) sons. There are quite a few more references in Genesis to God giving children.
~Then we skip to Deuteronomy where Moses reminds Israel before they go into the Promised Land that God has given them this good land and His law - 16 times if I counted right.
~In Joshua 22:4, God gives the people of Israel rest after conquering the land. Again King Solomon says in 1 Kings 5:4, "But now the LORD my God has given me rest on every side; there is neither adversary nor misfortune."
~Nehemiah 12:43 says that God gave the exiles who had returned to Jerusalem great joy!
~Psalm 66:19 says, "But certainly God has heard; He has given heed to the voice of my prayer."
~In Psalm 118:27, we are reminded that, "The LORD is God, and He has given us light."
~In Ecclesiastes, God gives life and labor and riches and wealth.
~In Isaiah 9:6, we are given HOPE! "For a child will be born to us, a son will be given to us; And the government will rest on His shoulders; And His name will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Peace."
~And in the middle of the terrible judgments filling the last part of the Old Testament, Jeremiah 8:14. "Why are we sitting still? Assemble yourselves, and let us go into the fortified cities And let us perish there, Because the LORD our God has doomed us And given us poisoned water to drink, For we have sinned against the LORD."
~God gives Daniel wisdom to answer the king.
~In Joel 2:23, God gives rain.
~And then Jesus came and gave everything. Healing. Love. Instruction. A perfect example of how to walk with God. And ultimately His life.
~And then God gives the Holy Spirit to live in those who trust Him. Romans 5:5, "the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."
~This Spirit helps us know God and His gifts. 1 Corinthians 2:12 - Now we have received, not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may know the things freely given to us by God."
~God gives us GRACE! I Corinthians 1:4
~"For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power, and love, and discipline." I Timothy 1:7
~I John 5:11, "God has given us eternal life, and this life is in His Son."
This list merely scratches the surface of the things God has given His people. I love the reminder that God is has been faithful from the creation of the world to be a loving, giving God. I am eternally thankful! And pray that I receive His gifts with a heart of gratitude and open hands.
What are you happy to receive from God this Christmas?
Monday, November 25, 2013
So many questions
I always promise myself I'll put some nice happy pictures of our family on my blog. You could see fall pics of my kids outside playing and see Kristi's friends from Zambia visiting my parents' home in rural Nebraska. I could have blogged about how harvest is OVER! Or about how Ethan got his tonsils out on Friday.
But instead right now, after this really hard week, is when the words can't bounce around in my head any longer. So here goes...
Luke died this week. It seems wrong that I have to write that sentence. 30 year old men are supposed to be in the prime of life - loving their wives, tickling their kids, working hard to support their families. And Luke was doing all these things when cancer invaded his body and eventually after years of struggle, it won - at least here on earth.
In my head Luke is 15, 16 years old. Running and laughing with my brother and my future husband. Those guys had so much fun together. They were working, and they were fast, but it never looked like work when Luke was around. I just sat and laughed at them most of the time - notice the part where I was not running. =) One of the benefits of having brothers and sisters so close in age to me was that their friends were my friends too. And marrying my best friend from high school, I knew his friends too. And so I knew Luke for such a short time. Luke always had a funny story of something that had happened to him - usually that he had done to himself. Like standing on the branch he was sawing out of a tree and falling. I never was very sure whether those things actually happened to him or maybe he was exaggerating? But I laughed.
And now he's in heaven with Jesus, and I can only imagine the hole that leaves in the heart of his wife and kids. And I fall asleep with Caleb's arms around me and am so thankful that he is here. And feel guilty because her husband is not. Why mine and not hers?
And then, what seemed tragic before paled in the face of a sweet two year old baby girl going to be with Jesus so unexpectedly. I don't really know this family, but many people that I love do. And I put myself in the place of that mommy with her baby not breathing, and I can't stop crying. For her. With her. Because of all the hope for the future and all the love and all the sleepless nights and the temper tantrums and the sweet, perfect moments that make a mommy's heart break with love and sorrow are suddenly gone. In one moment taken away. And how will she get out of bed in the morning?
And why, Jesus? Why?
And I hold my kids tighter and remember that life is so short, and I have absolutely no control over whether they live or die. And am I brave and strong enough to pry my clenched fingers off my kids and hold them with open hands and trust Jesus to be good?
Because He doesn't feel good this week. I know He is. But it doesn't feel like it.
And on top of all of that, it's Thanksgiving, and so many good people are shouting, "Be thankful! Be thankful!" while the world is shouting "Buy more! Buy more!" And all of it seems so hollow in the face of such great loss. Be thankful for this, Jesus? How do I be thankful for what I have been given and mourn the fact that it has been taken away from others at the same time? And really, Black Friday is not going to mend our shattered hearts, Jesus.
And so we stand in church and sing, "You are good, You are good when there's nothing good in me." And I ask, "Really? Jesus? Are you sure you're ALWAYS good?"
And then, after all those questions, I choose to trust.
That when I can't see and when I don't know or understand and when I feel the pain of people around me feeling the deepest of sorrow, I choose faith because
"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD." Psalm 27:13&14
And then I sit and cry with the hurting. And I beg Jesus to hold them in His arms.
What else can I do?
But instead right now, after this really hard week, is when the words can't bounce around in my head any longer. So here goes...
Luke died this week. It seems wrong that I have to write that sentence. 30 year old men are supposed to be in the prime of life - loving their wives, tickling their kids, working hard to support their families. And Luke was doing all these things when cancer invaded his body and eventually after years of struggle, it won - at least here on earth.
In my head Luke is 15, 16 years old. Running and laughing with my brother and my future husband. Those guys had so much fun together. They were working, and they were fast, but it never looked like work when Luke was around. I just sat and laughed at them most of the time - notice the part where I was not running. =) One of the benefits of having brothers and sisters so close in age to me was that their friends were my friends too. And marrying my best friend from high school, I knew his friends too. And so I knew Luke for such a short time. Luke always had a funny story of something that had happened to him - usually that he had done to himself. Like standing on the branch he was sawing out of a tree and falling. I never was very sure whether those things actually happened to him or maybe he was exaggerating? But I laughed.
And now he's in heaven with Jesus, and I can only imagine the hole that leaves in the heart of his wife and kids. And I fall asleep with Caleb's arms around me and am so thankful that he is here. And feel guilty because her husband is not. Why mine and not hers?
And then, what seemed tragic before paled in the face of a sweet two year old baby girl going to be with Jesus so unexpectedly. I don't really know this family, but many people that I love do. And I put myself in the place of that mommy with her baby not breathing, and I can't stop crying. For her. With her. Because of all the hope for the future and all the love and all the sleepless nights and the temper tantrums and the sweet, perfect moments that make a mommy's heart break with love and sorrow are suddenly gone. In one moment taken away. And how will she get out of bed in the morning?
And why, Jesus? Why?
And I hold my kids tighter and remember that life is so short, and I have absolutely no control over whether they live or die. And am I brave and strong enough to pry my clenched fingers off my kids and hold them with open hands and trust Jesus to be good?
Because He doesn't feel good this week. I know He is. But it doesn't feel like it.
And on top of all of that, it's Thanksgiving, and so many good people are shouting, "Be thankful! Be thankful!" while the world is shouting "Buy more! Buy more!" And all of it seems so hollow in the face of such great loss. Be thankful for this, Jesus? How do I be thankful for what I have been given and mourn the fact that it has been taken away from others at the same time? And really, Black Friday is not going to mend our shattered hearts, Jesus.
And so we stand in church and sing, "You are good, You are good when there's nothing good in me." And I ask, "Really? Jesus? Are you sure you're ALWAYS good?"
And then, after all those questions, I choose to trust.
That when I can't see and when I don't know or understand and when I feel the pain of people around me feeling the deepest of sorrow, I choose faith because
"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD." Psalm 27:13&14
And then I sit and cry with the hurting. And I beg Jesus to hold them in His arms.
What else can I do?
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
For Rob =)
"The earth is the LORD's, and all it contains, the world and those who dwell in it." Ps. 24:1
I'm loving this verse today.
You see, tomorrow, my brother and his wife and family are moving - to Chiang Mai, Thailand. They will be exactly 12 hours ahead of us. On pretty much the exact opposite side of the world. About as far away as you can get. Rob, Christina, Clay, and Zeke will be learning a new language, new culture, new food, new driving skills, a new neighborhood, new school, new friends, new church. They have some major change coming their way. And if you know me, you know I don't really handle change that well... =)
How do I know, you might ask? Well, for example, the last major change in my life happened in June when my youngest sister moved to Zambia. Seven time zones east instead of the twelve west to Thailand. The Johnson's are about to be spread across three continents. And I used to think the 30 hour drive to Micah and Allie's was too far!
So I've been praying for Rob's family's transition. For peace and calm and wisdom and strength and energy (on planes for HOURS with two boys - four and two).
And praying for wisdom and calm and peace and strength and energy for Kristi too. She has a HUGE job in Zambia!
And I've been praying for those of us who are left behind. I've decided it's harder to be left behind sometimes. Instead of excitement and anticipation for what God is going to do in this new adventure in life, we get holes. Birthday parties and Sunday mornings and Christmases and girls trips to GI without the people we love.
And that is why I love this verse today.
Because my Jesus who has listened to my many prayers today is also in Zambia listening to Kristi's. He knows exactly how many hours of sleep have been interrupted with medical emergencies this week, and He knows exactly who is coming to her door in desperate need of help next. And He has given her everything she needs for this day. At the end of a rutted dirtroad trail in Zambia.
And when Rob's family gets on their first plane tomorrow morning, Jesus will be with them. And He will be giving them everything they need at 40,000 feet over the middle of the Pacific Ocean the day after that. And when they land in Chiang Mai, He will walk through customs with them and sit by them in the car driving through the crazy traffic. He will answer every quick prayer for patience and hear every exhausted plea for help.
I KNOW this.
Because the entire world we live in and everything in it belongs to my God. Everyone who lives in it is His.
I'm loving this verse today.
You see, tomorrow, my brother and his wife and family are moving - to Chiang Mai, Thailand. They will be exactly 12 hours ahead of us. On pretty much the exact opposite side of the world. About as far away as you can get. Rob, Christina, Clay, and Zeke will be learning a new language, new culture, new food, new driving skills, a new neighborhood, new school, new friends, new church. They have some major change coming their way. And if you know me, you know I don't really handle change that well... =)
How do I know, you might ask? Well, for example, the last major change in my life happened in June when my youngest sister moved to Zambia. Seven time zones east instead of the twelve west to Thailand. The Johnson's are about to be spread across three continents. And I used to think the 30 hour drive to Micah and Allie's was too far!
So I've been praying for Rob's family's transition. For peace and calm and wisdom and strength and energy (on planes for HOURS with two boys - four and two).
And praying for wisdom and calm and peace and strength and energy for Kristi too. She has a HUGE job in Zambia!
And I've been praying for those of us who are left behind. I've decided it's harder to be left behind sometimes. Instead of excitement and anticipation for what God is going to do in this new adventure in life, we get holes. Birthday parties and Sunday mornings and Christmases and girls trips to GI without the people we love.
And that is why I love this verse today.
Because my Jesus who has listened to my many prayers today is also in Zambia listening to Kristi's. He knows exactly how many hours of sleep have been interrupted with medical emergencies this week, and He knows exactly who is coming to her door in desperate need of help next. And He has given her everything she needs for this day. At the end of a rutted dirt
And when Rob's family gets on their first plane tomorrow morning, Jesus will be with them. And He will be giving them everything they need at 40,000 feet over the middle of the Pacific Ocean the day after that. And when they land in Chiang Mai, He will walk through customs with them and sit by them in the car driving through the crazy traffic. He will answer every quick prayer for patience and hear every exhausted plea for help.
I KNOW this.
Because the entire world we live in and everything in it belongs to my God. Everyone who lives in it is His.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Who is that??
Some days I look in the mirror, and I'm not sure who I'm looking at.
I just did it tonight. I thought, "Who is that? And where did she get all that curly hair?" Yes. My hair is turning curly. Like I have spirals. Big ones. That disappear easily if messed with. I'm actually afraid to touch them when I find them. Afraid they're so fragile I'll ruin them and never find them again.
I read this Beverly Cleary "Ramona" book when I was young about a girl who goes to kindergarten. She lives in awe of this little girl with perfect ringlets. One day she can't restrain herself anymore, and she boings one. The little girl screams, and Ramona gets in trouble for pulling hair. The point is, I always wanted boingy hair. And now, apparently, through absolutely no doing of my own, I have the fragile beginnings of boingy hair. And am I utterly amazed.
And I spend time wondering,
"Am I a person who wants new furniture and a pretty new house? Or a person who wants to give all my money away to African mommies with starving kids and no shoes?" Apparently I'm perfectly capable of wanting to spend all my money on myself to make my surroundings beautiful and convenient and wanting to give it all away to meet the needs of others at the same time.
And...
"Am I a country person or a city person?"
I love the quiet out here. The sky full of stars, singing so clearly that my God is HUGE times infinity and loves beauty. I love the sun sets and the birds singing and the chance for absolute silence (when the irrigation wells aren't running). I love that I never worry about traffic or strange neighbors or get letters in the mail asking us to refrain from parking our junky pickup on the street where it is decreasing property values with it's ugliness.
But I miss the convenience of being 30 seconds from the library, the bank, the pool, the grocery store, and church. I miss walking to Kayla's house just to hang out for the morning. I miss the kids running next door to play with friends for a while after school. It's hard to do extras like piano lessons and dance lessons and swim lessons and basketball/football/cross country camp. It's really easy to get sick of driving out here.
See why I'm confused? =)
I just keep reminding myself to accept the grace that Jesus freely lavishes on me every day. And to walk in it. And I've learned to speak truth to myself about who Jesus thinks I am. Curly haired, selfish or generous, country girl or city girl - just me.
Zeph. 3:17 "The LORD your God is in your midst, a victorious warrior. He will exult over you with joy, He will be quiet in His love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy."
I just did it tonight. I thought, "Who is that? And where did she get all that curly hair?" Yes. My hair is turning curly. Like I have spirals. Big ones. That disappear easily if messed with. I'm actually afraid to touch them when I find them. Afraid they're so fragile I'll ruin them and never find them again.
I read this Beverly Cleary "Ramona" book when I was young about a girl who goes to kindergarten. She lives in awe of this little girl with perfect ringlets. One day she can't restrain herself anymore, and she boings one. The little girl screams, and Ramona gets in trouble for pulling hair. The point is, I always wanted boingy hair. And now, apparently, through absolutely no doing of my own, I have the fragile beginnings of boingy hair. And am I utterly amazed.
And I spend time wondering,
"Am I a person who wants new furniture and a pretty new house? Or a person who wants to give all my money away to African mommies with starving kids and no shoes?" Apparently I'm perfectly capable of wanting to spend all my money on myself to make my surroundings beautiful and convenient and wanting to give it all away to meet the needs of others at the same time.
And...
"Am I a country person or a city person?"
I love the quiet out here. The sky full of stars, singing so clearly that my God is HUGE times infinity and loves beauty. I love the sun sets and the birds singing and the chance for absolute silence (when the irrigation wells aren't running). I love that I never worry about traffic or strange neighbors or get letters in the mail asking us to refrain from parking our junky pickup on the street where it is decreasing property values with it's ugliness.
But I miss the convenience of being 30 seconds from the library, the bank, the pool, the grocery store, and church. I miss walking to Kayla's house just to hang out for the morning. I miss the kids running next door to play with friends for a while after school. It's hard to do extras like piano lessons and dance lessons and swim lessons and basketball/football/cross country camp. It's really easy to get sick of driving out here.
See why I'm confused? =)
I just keep reminding myself to accept the grace that Jesus freely lavishes on me every day. And to walk in it. And I've learned to speak truth to myself about who Jesus thinks I am. Curly haired, selfish or generous, country girl or city girl - just me.
Zeph. 3:17 "The LORD your God is in your midst, a victorious warrior. He will exult over you with joy, He will be quiet in His love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy."
Friday, July 12, 2013
Just a normal evening... =)
Yesterday Caleb came home for supper, and the girls had our two baby kitties dressed up in doll clothes and a pair of Julia's underwear. I should have taken a picture, but I was a bit busy.
Somehow since becoming a farmer's wife, I am in charge of a garden, four kids, two kittens, keeping the inside of our home in some kind of working order, four kids, mountains of laundry, a baby bird Caleb rescued from a field, three meals and two snacks a day for six people (at least three of which are STARVING at any given moment), mowing 8 acres ofgrass - ok mostly weeds, and did I mention the four kids? Since Caleb works from 7:00 in the morning til 11:00 at night fairly regularly, my "help" for these responsibilities comes mostly from a bunch of little kids...
So ask me if I even knew the cats were dressed in purple flower underwear.
I was making supper for the second time. The first time I had a great plan to make red beans and rice. But I tasted them around 5:00, and they were...interesting nasty. Plan B was Caleb grilling chicken. I can grill, but it's not my talent in life. Caleb is much better. Too bad he only had 20 minutes between hauling corn and irrigating on his way to worship team practice. He was a little late. But he grilled - I think because he was scared to find out what plan C was. =)
Tiny little pieces of paper are strewn ALL OVER my dining room and living room. Care to know why? My girls have found a new favorite game. They color dolls or letters or hearts on a piece of paper and then cut them out. They try to clean up the extra pieces, but they can create thousands of tiny little pieces in half an hour. So is half an hour of no fighting worth homemade confetti all over the floor? Apparently it is to me...
Oh! And a question for other farm wives. Are you husbands injured all the time? Caleb has a deep gash on his forehead and a chunk missing from his thumb.
So the six of us are sitting at supper last night surrounded by white paper "crumbs", snarfing down our food as quickly as possible so daddy won't be late to worship team practice. Caleb looks like he got in some sort of a fight - covered in mud with cuts all over the place. The kids are filthy. All the cushions are off both couches and piled on the living room floor along with practically every pillow and blanket we own. The kitchen is buried under dishes from TWO supper making attempts. And outside is no better. Ethan mowed the front yard in some sort of almost ten-year-old boy crazy pattern. So there are random chunks oftall grass dandelions sticking up all over the place. Inch long pieces of sidewalk chalk (some of which were supposed to be Honey Rae's birthday present) are scattered all over the flower beds/ porch/ sidewalk in front of the house along with water guns, soccer balls, a hose, and the kitty dress up clothes (yes, this includes the purple flower underwear - which is probably still there 24 hours later...)
And Tam, Kayla, Hudson, and Honey drive up to play.
I may have looked a little frazzled. So we sat outside on the porch and laughed at Hudson "watering the flowers" and Ava and Honey making mud pies out of the mud at the bottom of the puddles Hudson made. And I ignored the mess.
The kids were FILTHY by the time everyone left, but I was so thankful for people to sit on the porch and laugh with me. And a sister who walked into my house, walked out, and said, "it doesn't look that bad in there!"
Somehow since becoming a farmer's wife, I am in charge of a garden, four kids, two kittens, keeping the inside of our home in some kind of working order, four kids, mountains of laundry, a baby bird Caleb rescued from a field, three meals and two snacks a day for six people (at least three of which are STARVING at any given moment), mowing 8 acres of
So ask me if I even knew the cats were dressed in purple flower underwear.
I was making supper for the second time. The first time I had a great plan to make red beans and rice. But I tasted them around 5:00, and they were...
Tiny little pieces of paper are strewn ALL OVER my dining room and living room. Care to know why? My girls have found a new favorite game. They color dolls or letters or hearts on a piece of paper and then cut them out. They try to clean up the extra pieces, but they can create thousands of tiny little pieces in half an hour. So is half an hour of no fighting worth homemade confetti all over the floor? Apparently it is to me...
Oh! And a question for other farm wives. Are you husbands injured all the time? Caleb has a deep gash on his forehead and a chunk missing from his thumb.
So the six of us are sitting at supper last night surrounded by white paper "crumbs", snarfing down our food as quickly as possible so daddy won't be late to worship team practice. Caleb looks like he got in some sort of a fight - covered in mud with cuts all over the place. The kids are filthy. All the cushions are off both couches and piled on the living room floor along with practically every pillow and blanket we own. The kitchen is buried under dishes from TWO supper making attempts. And outside is no better. Ethan mowed the front yard in some sort of almost ten-year-old boy crazy pattern. So there are random chunks of
And Tam, Kayla, Hudson, and Honey drive up to play.
I may have looked a little frazzled. So we sat outside on the porch and laughed at Hudson "watering the flowers" and Ava and Honey making mud pies out of the mud at the bottom of the puddles Hudson made. And I ignored the mess.
The kids were FILTHY by the time everyone left, but I was so thankful for people to sit on the porch and laugh with me. And a sister who walked into my house, walked out, and said, "it doesn't look that bad in there!"
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Too much partying??
Wow! Life has been crazy around here! The month of June is over - and such a whirlwind I hardly even know what happened during it.
We went on vacation the first week of June with the Johnson family. I knew that would be chaotic. 25 people in one 8 bedroom home in Breckenridge for the week. And I volunteered (with Kayla) to be in charge of food. Maybe a little nuts... And it was so loud grandpa kept taking his hearing aids out. =)
But we had so much FUN together! Mountain climbing
and talent shows (for which my son learned to play the recorder through his nose. I'm such a proud mama. =)
And playing a game called "How many kids can you fit in the hot tub with the daddies??"
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And our awesome family t-shirts - perfect for family picture time. Go Becca!
And just sitting and holding my newest niece and playing kickball and trying on hats and "wine tasting" with the girls.
It always makes me so happy to have everyone in one place. I just love to watch my kids playing with their cousins. Brady and Julia going on their "honeymoon" and adopting two two year olds (Clark and Kylie) while there was hilarious to watch.
I walk away from these times together a little frazzled but so much longing for heaven where time does not exist. I think the fact that time always seems too short is the best evidence that we were created for eternity.
On the way home from Breckenridge we stopped for a night in Colorado Springs where we got to go to one of my favorite places - The Garden of the gods. The kids were not nearly as impressed by my favorite place as they were by Ethan's favorite - Whit's End at the Focus on the Family Welcome Center. And Caleb got a Wod-fam-choc-sod at Whit's end, so he was happy. =)
We got home Sunday and dove right into VBS at 8:00 on Monday morning. The kids had fun as always, and Ava and I survived a week with ten mostly three and four year olds! I just love kids that age! We were EXHAUSTED by the end of that week.
But then it hit us that Kristi only had a week and a half left at home before moving to Zambia. So we crammed every single fun thing we could think of into those 10 days. We went boating at Sherman and got pedicures and went to Fuji's for Hibachi.
We ate frozen yogurt at Red Mango - twice! - and had s'more parties at our house and went to the pool and ate fry bread and got pounded by Kristi playing Ruzzle. We went to the church send-off and helped organize a party for Kristi's friends. Then the kids and I drove to the airport and said goodbye in the parking garage when her flight was cancelled.
And then I cried all the way across Omaha through traffic but managed to get ahold of myself long enough to order some very unhealthy food at McDonalds. And I didn't even care that the food tasted like rubber.
Oh! And did I mention that Rob and Christina were here? And they're moving to Thailand in September, and we won't see them again before they leave. So we partied with them too, of course! (And apparently stopped taking pictures...)
Clay came to VBS to hang out with me, and we did all the same stuff as we did with Kristi. And the kids played in the river with Becca and in the indoor play place while it thunder-stormed at Mahoney, and they caught fireflies, and we grilled and ate red beans and rice (it was so smart of Rob to marry a woman from New Orleans!). And then we said goodbye to them entirely too late at night after laughing so hard we cried at Christina's Chiquita banana box story. Did I mention how happy I am that my brother married her? =) And then I cried again most of the way home while trying not to hit at deer by the river at 11:00 at night.
And now everyone's gone and I am exhausted. (And I may have told Rebecca that if she ever tries to leave, I will tell my kids to attach themselves to her legs so she's stuck. Really, if she wanted to leave, she should've run before everyone else did. Now she's missed her chance. =)
And I'm remembering. How much we laughed. Joy is a very fitting middle name for Kristi because everything is funnier when she's with you. And I just love Rob's family. Zeke thinks Caleb is AWESOME. Caleb gave him a ride in the tractor, so now every time Caleb holds him, Zeke just looks at him and says "tractor" over and over. I think he thinks that's Caleb's name. =)
All of us are going to be pretty spread out here soon. We figure maybe we'll try to get one of us on each continent. We have Africa and North America covered now and soon Asia will be. So we just need to send someone to Europe, South America, and Australia. We decided Antarctica doesn't count. Not much of a point going to be missionaries to penguins. Pretty sure I got Europe cuz I'm a history geek who loves museums... Yay! =)
The 30 hour drive to Micah and Allie is looking shorter.
And I am so thankful.
Thankful for my family - so devoted to Jesus and the cause of the gospel and to loving and serving those around them. Whether that means going and being His hands and feet to the people of Africa or changing diapers and mopping floors and hilling corn and building homes and writing books in His name.
Contrary to what I may have said to my dad while crying and saying goodbye to Kristi and Rob, I am thankful that my mom and dad cultivated a love of Jesus and a love for the lost people of the world in all six of their kids. I know that Jesus loves all the people of the world, and I am so proud to call those who are going to the dark, needy, marginalized places in the world my brothers and sisters. I feel like I get to go with them.
I am SO thankful for modern technology. I texted my baby sister in the middle of literally nowhere outside of Lusaka, Zambia this afternoon. I saw pictures of her room and heard about the cow bells that woke her up in the middle of the night last night. You have no idea how much joy that brought to my big sister heart.
And now I have to go water and weed my completely neglected garden. And make supper. Two things I have almost forgotten how to do it's been so long...
We went on vacation the first week of June with the Johnson family. I knew that would be chaotic. 25 people in one 8 bedroom home in Breckenridge for the week. And I volunteered (with Kayla) to be in charge of food. Maybe a little nuts... And it was so loud grandpa kept taking his hearing aids out. =)
But we had so much FUN together! Mountain climbing
and talent shows (for which my son learned to play the recorder through his nose. I'm such a proud mama. =)
 |
| Who knew Micah and Allie could rap??? |
 |
| Mom and dad doing their skit written for them by Kristi. =) |
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| Ok. This one might be my favorite. =) |
And just sitting and holding my newest niece and playing kickball and trying on hats and "wine tasting" with the girls.
 |
| Becca has already informed me that I look like I'm wearing a lampshade... |
It always makes me so happy to have everyone in one place. I just love to watch my kids playing with their cousins. Brady and Julia going on their "honeymoon" and adopting two two year olds (Clark and Kylie) while there was hilarious to watch.
I walk away from these times together a little frazzled but so much longing for heaven where time does not exist. I think the fact that time always seems too short is the best evidence that we were created for eternity.
On the way home from Breckenridge we stopped for a night in Colorado Springs where we got to go to one of my favorite places - The Garden of the gods. The kids were not nearly as impressed by my favorite place as they were by Ethan's favorite - Whit's End at the Focus on the Family Welcome Center. And Caleb got a Wod-fam-choc-sod at Whit's end, so he was happy. =)
We got home Sunday and dove right into VBS at 8:00 on Monday morning. The kids had fun as always, and Ava and I survived a week with ten mostly three and four year olds! I just love kids that age! We were EXHAUSTED by the end of that week.
 |
| Fuji's!!! |
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| Who can tell whose toes are not original Johnson toes?? (Kayla???) =) |
Oh! And did I mention that Rob and Christina were here? And they're moving to Thailand in September, and we won't see them again before they leave. So we partied with them too, of course! (And apparently stopped taking pictures...)
Clay came to VBS to hang out with me, and we did all the same stuff as we did with Kristi. And the kids played in the river with Becca and in the indoor play place while it thunder-stormed at Mahoney, and they caught fireflies, and we grilled and ate red beans and rice (it was so smart of Rob to marry a woman from New Orleans!). And then we said goodbye to them entirely too late at night after laughing so hard we cried at Christina's Chiquita banana box story. Did I mention how happy I am that my brother married her? =) And then I cried again most of the way home while trying not to hit at deer by the river at 11:00 at night.
And now everyone's gone and I am exhausted. (And I may have told Rebecca that if she ever tries to leave, I will tell my kids to attach themselves to her legs so she's stuck. Really, if she wanted to leave, she should've run before everyone else did. Now she's missed her chance. =)
And I'm remembering. How much we laughed. Joy is a very fitting middle name for Kristi because everything is funnier when she's with you. And I just love Rob's family. Zeke thinks Caleb is AWESOME. Caleb gave him a ride in the tractor, so now every time Caleb holds him, Zeke just looks at him and says "tractor" over and over. I think he thinks that's Caleb's name. =)
All of us are going to be pretty spread out here soon. We figure maybe we'll try to get one of us on each continent. We have Africa and North America covered now and soon Asia will be. So we just need to send someone to Europe, South America, and Australia. We decided Antarctica doesn't count. Not much of a point going to be missionaries to penguins. Pretty sure I got Europe cuz I'm a history geek who loves museums... Yay! =)
The 30 hour drive to Micah and Allie is looking shorter.
And I am so thankful.
Thankful for my family - so devoted to Jesus and the cause of the gospel and to loving and serving those around them. Whether that means going and being His hands and feet to the people of Africa or changing diapers and mopping floors and hilling corn and building homes and writing books in His name.
Contrary to what I may have said to my dad while crying and saying goodbye to Kristi and Rob, I am thankful that my mom and dad cultivated a love of Jesus and a love for the lost people of the world in all six of their kids. I know that Jesus loves all the people of the world, and I am so proud to call those who are going to the dark, needy, marginalized places in the world my brothers and sisters. I feel like I get to go with them.
I am SO thankful for modern technology. I texted my baby sister in the middle of literally nowhere outside of Lusaka, Zambia this afternoon. I saw pictures of her room and heard about the cow bells that woke her up in the middle of the night last night. You have no idea how much joy that brought to my big sister heart.
And now I have to go water and weed my completely neglected garden. And make supper. Two things I have almost forgotten how to do it's been so long...
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Beautiful seeds?
Sometimes I ask God for something, and I expect beauty - a blooming rosebush or a 20 foot tall red maple with thick branches for swings and a canopy of leaves for shade. And what He gives is a seed.
Looks like a rock.
Doesn't taste good or look pretty and is not useful.
Actually, it looks dead.
Maybe the seed is a dream or an idea or a need or a longing or just my broken heart.
But I was looking for the book published, the success of a child raised and following God whole-heartedly, the ministry established and bearing fruit, the house built, the business actually making money.
I recognize the result as beauty, but I'm completely blind to the beauty of the nurturing it takes to grow the seed.
Is it beauty to till and dig in dirt?
To fertilize and plant?
Is it glamorous to wait for the seed to poke its first tiny shoot through ground and then to shelter that fragile plant from wind and hail and animals and heavy feet?
Is sweating in the sun to pull weeds beauty?
And standing in the hot, dry wind to give water to the thirsty roots?
And always with the WAITING.
Faith is beauty.
Faith to look at that tiny little rock seed and trust:
So the patience to wait and the courage to trust - even these words themselves - they're all gifts. And I choose trust because I choose confidence that the Source of all gifts is good, and He LOVES me. Broken, small, ugly, useless me.
What unfathomable grace!
Looks like a rock.
Doesn't taste good or look pretty and is not useful.
Actually, it looks dead.
Maybe the seed is a dream or an idea or a need or a longing or just my broken heart.
But I was looking for the book published, the success of a child raised and following God whole-heartedly, the ministry established and bearing fruit, the house built, the business actually making money.
"But to look at seeds and believe He will feed us? When what He gives
doesn't look like near enough. When it looks like less than a handful
instead of a plateful, a year full, a life full. When it looks
inedible. These seeds, they are food? It looks like a bit of a joke."
Ann Voskamp "One Thousand Gifts devotional"
I recognize the result as beauty, but I'm completely blind to the beauty of the nurturing it takes to grow the seed.
Is it beauty to till and dig in dirt?
To fertilize and plant?
Is it glamorous to wait for the seed to poke its first tiny shoot through ground and then to shelter that fragile plant from wind and hail and animals and heavy feet?
Is sweating in the sun to pull weeds beauty?
And standing in the hot, dry wind to give water to the thirsty roots?
And always with the WAITING.
Faith is beauty.
Faith to look at that tiny little rock seed and trust:
"Great and marvelous are Your works, O Lord God, the Almighty; righteous and true are Your ways, King of the nations." (Rev. 15:3b)
To believe that what seems small and ugly and useless - and today I feel EMPTY God! - could ever be big enough and beautiful enough. That there would be enough grace to cover even me. So the patience to wait and the courage to trust - even these words themselves - they're all gifts. And I choose trust because I choose confidence that the Source of all gifts is good, and He LOVES me. Broken, small, ugly, useless me.
What unfathomable grace!
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Desperate
So let me get this straight.
A man steals the lives and freedom of three innocent girls. Just teenagers. He treats them worse than most people treat their animals. This man lives on a quiet street in urban America. An average home on the outside, chains and locked doors on the inside. He hides his heinous secret for TEN years! In plain sight.
When finally caught, the prosecutor wants to charge this man with a crime punishable by the death penalty. To do this, the prosecution needs a conviction on an aggravated murder charge. Who did this man murder? Multiple unborn babies - presumably his own - carried by one of his victims.
This is headline news.
And rightly so. This man has done ugly, disgusting things that should not be imagined let alone acted out.
Ever.
It is sin.
Selfishness and lust and hatred in all it's nastiness.
And that sin should be held up for the whole world to see and proclaimed as the absolute WRONG that it is.
Meanwhile a man in Philadelphia shows similar disregard for human life. Multiple people in positions of power in our government and in hospitals in the area neglect to follow through on neon signs shouting that something in this man's clinic is terribly, terribly WRONG.
He murders babies born alive by snipping their spinal cords at the back of their neck. Dedicated nurses and doctors would have done every thing possible to give these babies a fighting chance at life if they had been born to mothers who chose life for them.
Instead this man treats these babies and their marginalized, desperate, lied-to mothers worse than most people treat their animals. His clinic sits in plain sight for years - normal looking on the outside and filled with jars of tiny baby body parts on the inside.
And no one noticed and cared enough to scream, "Enough!"
No one???
Even now this is not headline news.
Why is this ugly, disgusting thing not being held up for all the world to see as sin?
How do we fight such evil? Such callousness toward life?
As a stay at home mom with not a whole lot of control over my own children (let alone anyone else) and no influence or power, how do I fight this evil?
This is the real reason I wrote this post. To link you to someone smarter than me who wrote what I wish I had thought of first. Read this!
Seriously.
Stop reading what I have written and read this.
Rachel Jankovic does an excellent job of saying how we fight this battle.
We fight one battle with selfishness in our own hearts, homes, and children at a time.
Every time we choose someone else above ourselves, we proclaim to a lost world the beauty of our Savior who sacrificed Himself for us.
Our world is DESPERATE for Him! Not for anti-abortion laws or guilty verdicts or more police or government regulation.
WE NEED JESUS.
And the best news ever is this:
He has already won. =)
A man steals the lives and freedom of three innocent girls. Just teenagers. He treats them worse than most people treat their animals. This man lives on a quiet street in urban America. An average home on the outside, chains and locked doors on the inside. He hides his heinous secret for TEN years! In plain sight.
When finally caught, the prosecutor wants to charge this man with a crime punishable by the death penalty. To do this, the prosecution needs a conviction on an aggravated murder charge. Who did this man murder? Multiple unborn babies - presumably his own - carried by one of his victims.
This is headline news.
And rightly so. This man has done ugly, disgusting things that should not be imagined let alone acted out.
Ever.
It is sin.
Selfishness and lust and hatred in all it's nastiness.
And that sin should be held up for the whole world to see and proclaimed as the absolute WRONG that it is.
Meanwhile a man in Philadelphia shows similar disregard for human life. Multiple people in positions of power in our government and in hospitals in the area neglect to follow through on neon signs shouting that something in this man's clinic is terribly, terribly WRONG.
He murders babies born alive by snipping their spinal cords at the back of their neck. Dedicated nurses and doctors would have done every thing possible to give these babies a fighting chance at life if they had been born to mothers who chose life for them.
Instead this man treats these babies and their marginalized, desperate, lied-to mothers worse than most people treat their animals. His clinic sits in plain sight for years - normal looking on the outside and filled with jars of tiny baby body parts on the inside.
And no one noticed and cared enough to scream, "Enough!"
No one???
Even now this is not headline news.
Why is this ugly, disgusting thing not being held up for all the world to see as sin?
How do we fight such evil? Such callousness toward life?
As a stay at home mom with not a whole lot of control over my own children (let alone anyone else) and no influence or power, how do I fight this evil?
This is the real reason I wrote this post. To link you to someone smarter than me who wrote what I wish I had thought of first. Read this!
Seriously.
Stop reading what I have written and read this.
Rachel Jankovic does an excellent job of saying how we fight this battle.
We fight one battle with selfishness in our own hearts, homes, and children at a time.
Every time we choose someone else above ourselves, we proclaim to a lost world the beauty of our Savior who sacrificed Himself for us.
Our world is DESPERATE for Him! Not for anti-abortion laws or guilty verdicts or more police or government regulation.
WE NEED JESUS.
And the best news ever is this:
He has already won. =)
Monday, January 7, 2013
Farmer's Wife??
Apparently I am now a farmer's wife. Today is Caleb's first day at his new job. He is super excited!
And I would like to point out that it was never my goal in life to be a farmer's wife.
I'm not really much of a country girl.
And yes. We will be moving to the country.
10 acres 20 miles from anywhere.
And me - scared of snakes and mountain lions and disliking bugs and being hot and sweaty.
Somehow my dreams for me are turning out not to be God's dreams for me. I love Isaiah 55, but when I read verses 8-9, I seem to have thought they applied to everyone but me.
How many times have God and I had this conversation?? "Surely I have some decent ideas about what I'd like to do with my life, God. I mean, my plans can't all be that awful. It's my life after all."
And God has been ruthless in pursuing me, pointing out to me again and again that not only are His plans for me better than my fumbling attempts to organize my life, but they are perfect.
Perfectly gracious.
Full of joy and hope.
Exactly what I need to make me the person He wants me to be - not just me, but my husband and my kids.
I am learning - SLOWLY as usual - to trust. Trust that the house that I see as not ideal is His perfect plan for my family. Trust that mountain lions will not snatch my kids for supper right out of my yard.
And not just trust in resignation but joyfully trust.
Anticipating what God will do next.
Being excited for the opportunity to see the stars and the sunrises and sunsets.
Excited for the lack of wallpaper (!) and for the attached garage and master bath and HUGE south facing windows.
And even excited that Caleb can have a wood stove (even though I think it's ugly and will make a mess). Oops! Did I say that out loud?? =)
And I would like to point out that it was never my goal in life to be a farmer's wife.
I'm not really much of a country girl.
And yes. We will be moving to the country.
10 acres 20 miles from anywhere.
And me - scared of snakes and mountain lions and disliking bugs and being hot and sweaty.
Somehow my dreams for me are turning out not to be God's dreams for me. I love Isaiah 55, but when I read verses 8-9, I seem to have thought they applied to everyone but me.
"For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the LORD.
Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the LORD.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways
And My thoughts than your thoughts." NAS
So are My ways higher than your ways
And My thoughts than your thoughts." NAS
And God has been ruthless in pursuing me, pointing out to me again and again that not only are His plans for me better than my fumbling attempts to organize my life, but they are perfect.
Perfectly gracious.
Full of joy and hope.
Exactly what I need to make me the person He wants me to be - not just me, but my husband and my kids.
I am learning - SLOWLY as usual - to trust. Trust that the house that I see as not ideal is His perfect plan for my family. Trust that mountain lions will not snatch my kids for supper right out of my yard.
And not just trust in resignation but joyfully trust.
Anticipating what God will do next.
Being excited for the opportunity to see the stars and the sunrises and sunsets.
Excited for the lack of wallpaper (!) and for the attached garage and master bath and HUGE south facing windows.
And even excited that Caleb can have a wood stove (even though I think it's ugly and will make a mess). Oops! Did I say that out loud?? =)
"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from
the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to
change." James 1:17 ESV
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